You Raise Me Up to Stand on Mountains

So I am really not looking forward to moving back home with my parents...

These past few weeks a lot has been changing and I am blessed to have a new job starting soon. I will be moving closer to the city (with my parents of course), which is also is something to look forward to.

This unanticipated new job is starting sooner than I thought although my lease doesn't end until May. I prayed about this I really did. Like "why is this happening now God? Why??" But like always God will not tell me until the time is right. I think I've realized this over the past year, that somethings are just out of our control and we just have to learn to accept it.

Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the Serenity to accept
the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can...
And the wisdom to know the difference

This picture above was by my footsteps as I walked by the lake today, just calling for my attention. It really makes me think that I have to let God help me live my life by his/her will. I cannot keep pushing against it. It wasn't my wishes to move back home so soon, but maybe it's best. 

To be honest, this post was not just about that. It's really about how thankful I am for the family I have made through the Church of Christ. For many a time, I was scared to say it... that I was and I am searching for God...not religion...but God and in other ways but one. I have been attending the Church of Christ since September of 2013. I really maybe was scared to say that to people, especially those of my community, think they will look down upon me. I think it was hard at first to also have my parents understand why I was doing this "soul search" as I would like to call it. Like why on earth do I need to look at other religions other than my own to understand God, they didn't seem to get it.

They seem to finally get that I am on this new journey to "Haqiqati Samaj" as some Muslims say...as in the journey of knowledge. But through this journey, I have found more than just knowledge, I have found LOVE, and not that love you see in movies, or that love you think about with your significant other, but the love you never hear about...that love that I thought had gone ancient. The love of strangers who treat you like family. The love of friends that treat you like siblings. The love of humanity that really had no common cause but to share the love Christ and through their actions, my friends and family of the Church of Christ has so graciously made me feel at home.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be

These weeks have gone by quicker because of them. The random dinners, get-togethers, potlucks, church-Sundays, brunches, Chili nights, everything has made me feel loved. The love I cannot describe. When I struggled through seasonal depression and loneliness from my family and friends, they are the ones that took me to their homes, even though I was a stranger and brought me good conversation and pretzel buns (not kidding). They took in my uneasiness about religion and God with patience and still didn't give up on reaching out to me. They really met me at where I am at right now and where I was months before. They lifted me up when I was down and made me stronger to get back on my own two feet. I cant thank them enough for all they have done and are still doing.

I really think I've changed for the better and hope to not lose what I have gained from them when I move back home. Their values of selflessness, of true kindness, of prayer, and relationship with God are very important to me now, even more than before. I also learned how important it is to be thankful and realize the blessings we receive from God each day, not only for simple things like the Sun is shining, or thanking God for waking us up in the morning, but also being aware of how much we do have even when we think we don't. God puts obstacles in our way for us to later appreciate the ''golden era" that comes and goes and to realize that pride is never a good thing because our blessings can instantly be taken away. Lastly God loves us, and it doesn't matter if we make mistakes, and/or we are not the best. God's love is unconditional, even when those around us isn't always. So I rather seek God for now, than seek superficial pleasures that may not be their in the long run, like money, boyfriends, clothes, etc. I mean all that is great but those are also so temporary.

I know I've said God so many times in this past paragraph, but I honestly thank God so much for this knowledge he/she has given me and for awakening me. God bless. Amen. 

INADEQUACY

I wrote this blog post a few months ago. I thought I'd post it just to share my thoughts. I'm sure many people have struggled with this and still are. Keep pushing forward and doing YOU :)

INADEQUACY

Have you ever felt inadequate in your life? Like you can’t live up to your own expectations? But then you realize they are not your own expectations, but the expectations of the ones around you, like your parents?

Well that’s how I have been feeling lately. I know I’ve been putting myself down a lot and my counselor and friends think I’m very good at bashing myself and I need to simmer the harsh talk down a little. But do you know what it’s like to live in an Indian-American household? Where you’re not a conformist but you’re treated like an outsider because you do everything opposite your own culture.

You’ve had a boyfriend of every ethnicity other than your own. The fact that you’ve “dated” several guys itself is considered ‘bad’ or taboo. You don’t wish to get married in your 20’s, especially not to an Indian guy (yuck!). You don’t follow the money-making jobs out there and are not a financial analyst, a doctor, a lawyer, or anything in the IT field. You spend your time more so interested in the arts; you want to spend the rest of our life in another country. You love any language other than your own.

YES, all of those characteristics above are me. I’m also a feminist, who doesn’t see myself being the housewife, the cook, the mom, and working on top of all the that (aka superwoman). So reading this as an American sounds like such an easy lifestyle to live, right? Well, it’s not.

Being a nonconformist in my culture is difficult, especially when it’s looked down upon. My own parents want me to follow their stereotypical desi dreams, get rich and marry rich…well it’s not happening, at least not in the next 10 years (haha if that).

My life is confusing right now. I don’t know what I want to do with it. Whether I’d like to travel or stay here. I also don’t wish to live with my parents and “give back” to them for all they have done to me. I think it’s selfish of desi or Indian/Pakistani parents to expect that from their children. I mean yes, they came to America, with little or no money and worked their butts off for us, but does that mean I need to stay in my parents’ house till marriage and not go for my own dreams? I don’t think that’s the way I’d like to live.

To be honest it sometimes makes me cry, feeling this way. Because this is what my parents actually tell me I should be doing. It hurts to feel inadequate. I want to conform but I have my own dreams.

It’s been such a struggle growing up in America with Indian parents, not wanting to budge on the culture. Yes, they’re modern but some things are unarguable.

Cognitive dissonance was something that was brought up in church today. According to dictionary.com, it is defined as anxiety that comes from having simultaneous contradicting views about things. This is also something I learned about in Psychology (perhaps Advanced Social Psych?). The topic relates to a lot that I feel each and every day living in a American society, trying to balance out being culturally oriented in my home values and also balancing that out with the American values I learned from friends, school, peers, and societal norms. For example “I think this guy is cute, but I know my parent’s would disapprove so I can’t date him” or “I really want to go to Spain, but who will take care of my parents if I do?”

I also learned this weekend, during an uplifting conversation with a friend that I tend to not only be so judgmental outwardly, but I am ten times more judgmental internally. I may have received this negative trait from my family, and how I was brought up, with such a harsh tonality with everything they said, so blunt and straightforward, but also hitting me like pins and needles. I don’t know how some people say they have learned to let things fall off their shoulders after hearing such harsh criticism, where as I feel I’ve just turned more into a fragile egg.

What I do know is, I will never be happy following my parents dreams. I have to reach for my own, even if that means not seeing my parents as often. I love them to death but I’m not willing to give up my life in replacement for theirs. If that’s selfish to some, that’s okay, I think I deserve to put myself first. I don’t really care. 

Change is Constant

So a couple of months ago, I moved out on my own. And very soon did I learn a lot of life lessons, some of which consisted of cooking for oneself, maintaining a secure household, being self disciplined, and balancing time for fun, work, and a mixture of both.

At first, this was a big transition. Soon enough, I learned that my first full time job out of college would not be my career, life-saving, cheerful, and hobby-job I had wished for. So I left the job that I was formerly at, after having a eye-opening and enriching experience at the Domestic Violence Agency I had formerly worked for and set out to find a new calling.

To be honest, the job was not a bad job at all. It was just not for me. I'm sure many of you can imagine, hearing crisis after crisis, working 8-4:30 or sometimes even till 6 p.m. and undergoing this huge amount of mental stress due to the vicarious trauma dealt with your clients' experiences, can be mentally draining. The last few weeks at the job were depressing and I just couldn't see myself continuing there. I had even had my fair share of counseling while I was working there. The counselor said I may have been doing the amateur case-management mistake by putting the "super-woman/man" cape on me and believing that I can solve and fix everyone's problems. I believe she was right. I had a heart that I allowed to be ripped and shredded to pieces until there was barely any left. I felt the trauma of the client as if it was my own, which is not the route I personally recommend future social service workers to undergo. There was a point in time that I felt numb to sad emotion, that I could not even cry anymore for normal life events that would have made me cry a puddle of tears in the past. I thought something was utterly wrong with me and I didn't know what it was.

As I was closing this chapter in my life, I had to ask myself a few important questions. The decision to stay in this dreadful state of distress or the decision to move on and to open a new chapter of my life and be happy again, were some of the main points I had to ask myself. These choices were hard to make. I spoke with many different people, until I decided to finally take the new step in my life.

It was bittersweet when I new this stage of my life was ending, as I knew I was a powerful source to this agency and I had made great impact on the lives of many of my clients. I had faith that many of my clients would continue their struggle for empowerment and gaining control of their lives again, but this was also the chance for me to regain control of my life as well.

I admit after I left, I felt a bit of uncertainty for what is to come for the future. I felt unsure of what my new plan of action was. I asked for a lot of help, especially from God. I sought out answers from mainly people of religion, and asked them to help me pray for certainty of what is to come in my near future. I prayed to God that I wanted to get to know him and to guide me closer to him. Throughout this month, I had to learn to have faith in God and to see that I cannot control what is bound to happen in future if it is against his will. I must try to obtain my goals, but I learned that sometimes your goals are not what God has planned for you. And that God's plan is stronger than any plan we have for ourselves. I started believing in fate even more, although I didn't give up on self-discipline and that immense amount of effort I have put into everything I have worked for in my life. I just gained a deeper amount of gratitude for all God has done for me.

During these past few months, in the times of sadness and ambiguity of the future, I was luckily able to meet a really welcoming group of people that helped me understand what is going on my life. These people sort of became my backbone in what I do and how I seek out to accomplish my goals.

Through daily prayer and weekly meetings with community members, I gained strength and optimism. Currently, I am also deeply following my dreams and trying to rebuild them in a way. Due to my first full-time job experience and my transition of moving away, I believe I had felt lost for a little while, but with time I pray to God, Inshallah, that I will find my way again. With weekly conversation groups for Spanish, and in between listening to Podcasts and reading books in Spanish, I believe I am getting a lot closer to the dream I had imagined in my life, but was moving far away from after I had graduated college.

Sometimes coming back home from college, and moving back in to parental households can distract us from our goals as well. There is so much pressure for us to get a job right out of college these days, that we just go for the first decent paying job we see, but it is important to stop and ask ourselves, is this really where we see ourselves 5-10 years down the line? And if the answer to the question is "no", then we must reevaluate our current plan and adjust our execution to get closer to that pathway we had envisioned for ourselves to be on. "Never live anyone else's dream, only yours because you will have to live with it in the end"

I know one thing, I love Spanish, speaking it, reading it, listening to it...pretty much all of the above. I don't know what I want to do with it just yet, but I know if I go through just one day without practicing it or even saying one word in this language, I feel like crying. I feel like something is missing. And that to me is passion...so I'm glad I still have it.

Also a word of advice to college juniors and seniors especially, and even college graduates: It's okay if you don't have it all put together, just as long as you're not giving up on yourself, that is all that matters. Our life plan will constantly change and life will even cause ourselves to change, but we must never be afraid of change. We must welcome it. :)

Nostalgia

Aunque salí de españa hace más de un año, parece que era un desintegrado entre yo y mi pareja (el país). Des de me dejé mi compañero (España), mi corazón se siente vacío. Tengo que revolverlo allá y no hay ninguna excusa más. Voy a assistir en un programa para enseñar allá.  Ojala que me tenga suerte. No si que otro elijas tengo.  Gracias a dios para ayudando a verlo (mi sueño)

To new friendships, to a new lifestyle

It's been almost a month and a half (started June 10th) at my new job and I finally feel like I'm getting use to this new lifestyle change. The feeling of 6 am's are becoming more like the 11 am rituals that I had been use to ever since I graduated from college. Finding time for myself on weekends mostly and sometimes during the week has also been a challenge, but I'm getting there. I seem to use my weekends more purposefully now and not just a day to 'relax' but a day to really get out and do something fun.

I also can't deny, moving from a different city can be ultimately rough when all your friends are there and not here or they are here but in the 'real' world they actually live an hour or two away from you rather than the mere block away or just next door.

So now that I'm finally getting accustomed to this new change and new job, I feel like I'm actually meeting new people and enjoying my time off. I meet people in the most random ways, but I think that is the best way, when you just bump into someone, rather than having to be in a class with someone or work together all the time. I like spontaneity and finding people to relate to in the midst of my daily life, like perhaps at a bus stop or even while looking for shoes.

Lately I've been so busy that time to really relax is time where I fall asleep. This past weekend I not only got to hang out with my co-workers but I also got to spend time with friends who I hadn't seen in years. That makes me feel good because over the past few years I have been moving place to place, or country to country with no down time to just catch up and relax. I finally feel I'm back where this journey all started with a new view point in life.

I really know how to get to know people, and have open conversations, and without cultural barriers standing between us. I've met people from everywhere, while house hunting, at Domestic Violence (DV) trainings, at work, and even the library. I feel really accomplished to say that I'm actually making it out here in actual 'real' world, as I like to call it. It's a tough transition but I'm slowly but surely getting there.

I'm not quite sure what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I'm happy to be meeting people on the same path. We are all on different journeys but we are taking it day by day to figure out where we want to do. I enjoy the great conversations of passion and interests of our lives and how we don't just stop amongst jobs that only pay us well, but that deep down we are trying to really find ourselves. 

I like the freedom to search, to search within the city for answers and within countless, numerous people with so many real life experiences.

I like the ability to feel progression, I think this city has to offer a lot, not only in the actual 'city, city' but even the suburbs has countless opportunities to do things for fun and just learn about yourself and what you like to do.

I'm happy with my decision of not going abroad. I remember I thought that it was the only way I can grow more and learn to understand myself more, but I feel like I am doing just fine here. It's like a new place for me, where I'm starting all over and through that struggle and challenge, I am growing even more. :)

Job Search

Though I am not completely at the point of success where I'd like to be, I feel as though I'm getting closer each day. I feel motivated to do better and be better at whatever I do.

The other day, my father said a wise, motivating quote. He said "You know, there are two types of horses in the race. There are the super fast ones that finish before any other..and then there are the slower ones that take their time and pace themselves...they get to the finish line slower, but when they get there they make significant change and impact and you may be the slower one, but  you are making a change, a big progress through every little action you take and every accomplishment you make."

This made me feel really good because lately I have been feeling down in the dumps, upset of where I am and what my path in life is. It made me feel proud that my dad was proud me, regardless of me having a full time job or not, at least he sees that I'm working to get one. This made me feel like I am going somewhere and it's true...I just have to keep reminding my self that. I've been applying to different places, interviewing, networking, doing mock interviews and more, but I still felt pretty bad about not finding my niche I guess. I've been pretty negative too lately as well.

But, I'm taking a new stance, I'm trying at least to be more positive..to take an active role in my life...to make applying to jobs a full-time job. This is my priority. Also, applying to several graduate schools is also important to me. I can't give up. I'm already too close to my dream to give up. Have you ever had that feeling? Where you feel like each day you are getting closer to your main goal in life? Like those little steps you take are bringing some eternal happiness inside you? Well, I have been feeling that too...despite the lazy river of anxious waiting and hearing back from people and agencies I've applied to. Despite it all, I feel like my training and work in progress is bringing me closer to my dreams and that I would say is very fulfilling and I'm not giving up.

'Education is a life long process' and this quote, to me, refers to learning from past mistakes and modifying my behavior to bring me closer to happiness, God, and my dreams for the future. Education is not just inside a textbook or a classroom, it is learning from those around you that have different backgrounds, skills, and experience with life in general, and applying that knowledge to your life. That is what education is to me.

The information you learn here goes past the door- Domestic Violence Training

So I'm going to share with you guys a few things I learned from my Domestic Violence 40-hour training these past weeks as well as a few topics I have up for debate. What kind of irked me today, especially was that the speakers referred to a Counselor (LPC) at an NGO taking on an 'Advocate' role rather than a therapeutic one.

I also feel this training was a bit biased. Not only is it coming mainly from a South Asian perspective, but it's also coming from a strong-headed feminist and Social Work perspective. Don't get me wrong, I myself am a feminist, but to put women as a victim and to say we are 'institutionalized' and everything wrong occurs to us only, seems to me as a tad bit one-sided. I don't like feeling like everything bad is occurring to women and usually by the male gender. I seek to have an androgynous world, with equality.... and if we keep saying we are the victim of this patriarchal society, then we will never see a man or men as equal, because we will look down at every man...though every man does not commit sexual assault or Domestic Violence.

I started seeing myself have these thoughts, negative thoughts towards the opposite sex...because all we do is blame the men. And though I do not advocate for Domestic Violence, I still do not believe that it is okay to blame all men instead of just a group that commit the act of Domestic Violence. According to my training, presented by an NGO that I do not want to disclose,  12% of adult men in the general American population have been violent with an intimate female partner, which is approximately 2 million men in the US. That is a large number, nonetheless, but I do still feel that we cannot blame the whole group for the mistakes of a smaller part of the male population. That is incorrect and unfair. I mean to hear speakers say that they know men who feel bad if a girl/woman is walking down the street at night because she probably thinks that he will attack her and he wants to yell, "I won't do anything, don't worry" makes me feel bad for those men that actually are good and not wanting to hurt another. I mean why do we put people in a general grouping when the training itself says not to compare one person of a group to the whole group, in regards to ethnicity and gender status at least(since we are all different)? I do know there is a high prevalence of Domestic Violence that occurs to women especially by men, but that does not mean all men are batterers. Domestic Violence also does occur to men by women, it is just under reported due to stigmas of society that a man must be strong enough to deal with the beating from a woman.Double standard huh? I do not condone Domestic Violence at all and I do believe law enforcement has a great influence on who's getting in trouble for these cases as well...but that is another long conversation as well for another day.

The other point I'd like to make is with Mental Illness and DV. By the way the acronym 'DV' does not seem to be used much when speaking about Domestic Violence by professionals, as far as I've seen, so I don't know if its okay to use that on an interview, cover letter, or conversation. I'm only using it interchangeably here to avoid typing it every time. 'Domestic Violence isn't caused by Mental Illnesses and nor does Mental Illness cause Domestic Violence' I don't necessarily believe that. According to professionals of DV, research states that perpetrators and abusers of DV don't necessarily have a disorder because they can control their anger in front of other people such as bosses, just not their wives, significant others, and/or girlfriends. Also according to DV training, it states that modeling aggression through family systems does not have a causal effect for batterers (which goes opposite what I've learned in all my psychology classes that men who have witnessed abuse are more likely to abuse others themselves). Actually, only 20-30% of men who experienced trauma or witnessed abuse in their families when they were younger are abusers now. Surprising, huh? And 50-65% of batterers only commit DV to families and have few, if any, pathologies. These are only correlational statistics, not causal.

Anyway's back to the mental health debate. PTSD is very common for trauma victims to deal with and especially those who have undergone Sexual Assault. People who are more at risk for PTSD are refugees and homeless. Approximately 5.2 million American adults 3.6% of the population develop Post-Traumatic-Stress Disorder. Also, 19.1 million American adults are affected by anxiety disorders. 9.5% of the U.S. population age 18 and older experience a depressive disorder, 66% of these people are women. I don't necessarily think these all correct figures, they are from the training.

From what I've learned, PTSD is very common in victims and survivors of Sexual Assault and/or Sexual Abuse....as well as depressive disorders in women in general are very common. My prediction was that DV can cause Mental Illness or has a high correlation to Mental Illnesses, such as depression and PTSD, manic depressive disorder, etc.

According to a Medical News Today, women with PTSD are 7 times more likely to have experienced Domestic Violence. Also women that experience DV are 2.5 times more likely to have depressive disorders. This is just one article that I found, but saying that mental illness is not correlated with Domestic Violence is absurd. It may not be causal but it is very hugely correlated.

It seems to me some NGO's try to not "stigmatize" their clients by stating that they are not undergoing a disorder or mental illness because they feel that their clients are not going through anything more than an unfortunate event that occurred in their life. To me, that sound ridiculous because although you may help someone get through this DV incident, find shelter, help get them a job, and give safety to their children, you are not helping them coping with the psychological trauma that they suffered, you are just supplementing them with basic material needs, which will only secure them for a short time. If you do not take care of the internal self, then how will you be happy with your external life completely? That is my question. I don't know if it is just this NGO that my training is through, but not diagnosing your client and ignoring the question of psychological effects, does not completely heal the client.

Also if you state you are 'counseling' your clients and just helping through crisis, but not working through their emotions and rather just helping them find security, OP's and a lifestyle change without evaluating them mentally through assessments and theory based therapy, how can you completely heal them? I think some NGO's need to understand how hugely Mental Illness plays a role in Domestic Violence and create a therapeutic based approach to their counseling.