You Raise Me Up to Stand on Mountains

So I am really not looking forward to moving back home with my parents...

These past few weeks a lot has been changing and I am blessed to have a new job starting soon. I will be moving closer to the city (with my parents of course), which is also is something to look forward to.

This unanticipated new job is starting sooner than I thought although my lease doesn't end until May. I prayed about this I really did. Like "why is this happening now God? Why??" But like always God will not tell me until the time is right. I think I've realized this over the past year, that somethings are just out of our control and we just have to learn to accept it.

Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the Serenity to accept
the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can...
And the wisdom to know the difference

This picture above was by my footsteps as I walked by the lake today, just calling for my attention. It really makes me think that I have to let God help me live my life by his/her will. I cannot keep pushing against it. It wasn't my wishes to move back home so soon, but maybe it's best. 

To be honest, this post was not just about that. It's really about how thankful I am for the family I have made through the Church of Christ. For many a time, I was scared to say it... that I was and I am searching for God...not religion...but God and in other ways but one. I have been attending the Church of Christ since September of 2013. I really maybe was scared to say that to people, especially those of my community, think they will look down upon me. I think it was hard at first to also have my parents understand why I was doing this "soul search" as I would like to call it. Like why on earth do I need to look at other religions other than my own to understand God, they didn't seem to get it.

They seem to finally get that I am on this new journey to "Haqiqati Samaj" as some Muslims say...as in the journey of knowledge. But through this journey, I have found more than just knowledge, I have found LOVE, and not that love you see in movies, or that love you think about with your significant other, but the love you never hear about...that love that I thought had gone ancient. The love of strangers who treat you like family. The love of friends that treat you like siblings. The love of humanity that really had no common cause but to share the love Christ and through their actions, my friends and family of the Church of Christ has so graciously made me feel at home.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be

These weeks have gone by quicker because of them. The random dinners, get-togethers, potlucks, church-Sundays, brunches, Chili nights, everything has made me feel loved. The love I cannot describe. When I struggled through seasonal depression and loneliness from my family and friends, they are the ones that took me to their homes, even though I was a stranger and brought me good conversation and pretzel buns (not kidding). They took in my uneasiness about religion and God with patience and still didn't give up on reaching out to me. They really met me at where I am at right now and where I was months before. They lifted me up when I was down and made me stronger to get back on my own two feet. I cant thank them enough for all they have done and are still doing.

I really think I've changed for the better and hope to not lose what I have gained from them when I move back home. Their values of selflessness, of true kindness, of prayer, and relationship with God are very important to me now, even more than before. I also learned how important it is to be thankful and realize the blessings we receive from God each day, not only for simple things like the Sun is shining, or thanking God for waking us up in the morning, but also being aware of how much we do have even when we think we don't. God puts obstacles in our way for us to later appreciate the ''golden era" that comes and goes and to realize that pride is never a good thing because our blessings can instantly be taken away. Lastly God loves us, and it doesn't matter if we make mistakes, and/or we are not the best. God's love is unconditional, even when those around us isn't always. So I rather seek God for now, than seek superficial pleasures that may not be their in the long run, like money, boyfriends, clothes, etc. I mean all that is great but those are also so temporary.

I know I've said God so many times in this past paragraph, but I honestly thank God so much for this knowledge he/she has given me and for awakening me. God bless. Amen. 

INADEQUACY

I wrote this blog post a few months ago. I thought I'd post it just to share my thoughts. I'm sure many people have struggled with this and still are. Keep pushing forward and doing YOU :)

INADEQUACY

Have you ever felt inadequate in your life? Like you can’t live up to your own expectations? But then you realize they are not your own expectations, but the expectations of the ones around you, like your parents?

Well that’s how I have been feeling lately. I know I’ve been putting myself down a lot and my counselor and friends think I’m very good at bashing myself and I need to simmer the harsh talk down a little. But do you know what it’s like to live in an Indian-American household? Where you’re not a conformist but you’re treated like an outsider because you do everything opposite your own culture.

You’ve had a boyfriend of every ethnicity other than your own. The fact that you’ve “dated” several guys itself is considered ‘bad’ or taboo. You don’t wish to get married in your 20’s, especially not to an Indian guy (yuck!). You don’t follow the money-making jobs out there and are not a financial analyst, a doctor, a lawyer, or anything in the IT field. You spend your time more so interested in the arts; you want to spend the rest of our life in another country. You love any language other than your own.

YES, all of those characteristics above are me. I’m also a feminist, who doesn’t see myself being the housewife, the cook, the mom, and working on top of all the that (aka superwoman). So reading this as an American sounds like such an easy lifestyle to live, right? Well, it’s not.

Being a nonconformist in my culture is difficult, especially when it’s looked down upon. My own parents want me to follow their stereotypical desi dreams, get rich and marry rich…well it’s not happening, at least not in the next 10 years (haha if that).

My life is confusing right now. I don’t know what I want to do with it. Whether I’d like to travel or stay here. I also don’t wish to live with my parents and “give back” to them for all they have done to me. I think it’s selfish of desi or Indian/Pakistani parents to expect that from their children. I mean yes, they came to America, with little or no money and worked their butts off for us, but does that mean I need to stay in my parents’ house till marriage and not go for my own dreams? I don’t think that’s the way I’d like to live.

To be honest it sometimes makes me cry, feeling this way. Because this is what my parents actually tell me I should be doing. It hurts to feel inadequate. I want to conform but I have my own dreams.

It’s been such a struggle growing up in America with Indian parents, not wanting to budge on the culture. Yes, they’re modern but some things are unarguable.

Cognitive dissonance was something that was brought up in church today. According to dictionary.com, it is defined as anxiety that comes from having simultaneous contradicting views about things. This is also something I learned about in Psychology (perhaps Advanced Social Psych?). The topic relates to a lot that I feel each and every day living in a American society, trying to balance out being culturally oriented in my home values and also balancing that out with the American values I learned from friends, school, peers, and societal norms. For example “I think this guy is cute, but I know my parent’s would disapprove so I can’t date him” or “I really want to go to Spain, but who will take care of my parents if I do?”

I also learned this weekend, during an uplifting conversation with a friend that I tend to not only be so judgmental outwardly, but I am ten times more judgmental internally. I may have received this negative trait from my family, and how I was brought up, with such a harsh tonality with everything they said, so blunt and straightforward, but also hitting me like pins and needles. I don’t know how some people say they have learned to let things fall off their shoulders after hearing such harsh criticism, where as I feel I’ve just turned more into a fragile egg.

What I do know is, I will never be happy following my parents dreams. I have to reach for my own, even if that means not seeing my parents as often. I love them to death but I’m not willing to give up my life in replacement for theirs. If that’s selfish to some, that’s okay, I think I deserve to put myself first. I don’t really care. 

Change is Constant

So a couple of months ago, I moved out on my own. And very soon did I learn a lot of life lessons, some of which consisted of cooking for oneself, maintaining a secure household, being self disciplined, and balancing time for fun, work, and a mixture of both.

At first, this was a big transition. Soon enough, I learned that my first full time job out of college would not be my career, life-saving, cheerful, and hobby-job I had wished for. So I left the job that I was formerly at, after having a eye-opening and enriching experience at the Domestic Violence Agency I had formerly worked for and set out to find a new calling.

To be honest, the job was not a bad job at all. It was just not for me. I'm sure many of you can imagine, hearing crisis after crisis, working 8-4:30 or sometimes even till 6 p.m. and undergoing this huge amount of mental stress due to the vicarious trauma dealt with your clients' experiences, can be mentally draining. The last few weeks at the job were depressing and I just couldn't see myself continuing there. I had even had my fair share of counseling while I was working there. The counselor said I may have been doing the amateur case-management mistake by putting the "super-woman/man" cape on me and believing that I can solve and fix everyone's problems. I believe she was right. I had a heart that I allowed to be ripped and shredded to pieces until there was barely any left. I felt the trauma of the client as if it was my own, which is not the route I personally recommend future social service workers to undergo. There was a point in time that I felt numb to sad emotion, that I could not even cry anymore for normal life events that would have made me cry a puddle of tears in the past. I thought something was utterly wrong with me and I didn't know what it was.

As I was closing this chapter in my life, I had to ask myself a few important questions. The decision to stay in this dreadful state of distress or the decision to move on and to open a new chapter of my life and be happy again, were some of the main points I had to ask myself. These choices were hard to make. I spoke with many different people, until I decided to finally take the new step in my life.

It was bittersweet when I new this stage of my life was ending, as I knew I was a powerful source to this agency and I had made great impact on the lives of many of my clients. I had faith that many of my clients would continue their struggle for empowerment and gaining control of their lives again, but this was also the chance for me to regain control of my life as well.

I admit after I left, I felt a bit of uncertainty for what is to come for the future. I felt unsure of what my new plan of action was. I asked for a lot of help, especially from God. I sought out answers from mainly people of religion, and asked them to help me pray for certainty of what is to come in my near future. I prayed to God that I wanted to get to know him and to guide me closer to him. Throughout this month, I had to learn to have faith in God and to see that I cannot control what is bound to happen in future if it is against his will. I must try to obtain my goals, but I learned that sometimes your goals are not what God has planned for you. And that God's plan is stronger than any plan we have for ourselves. I started believing in fate even more, although I didn't give up on self-discipline and that immense amount of effort I have put into everything I have worked for in my life. I just gained a deeper amount of gratitude for all God has done for me.

During these past few months, in the times of sadness and ambiguity of the future, I was luckily able to meet a really welcoming group of people that helped me understand what is going on my life. These people sort of became my backbone in what I do and how I seek out to accomplish my goals.

Through daily prayer and weekly meetings with community members, I gained strength and optimism. Currently, I am also deeply following my dreams and trying to rebuild them in a way. Due to my first full-time job experience and my transition of moving away, I believe I had felt lost for a little while, but with time I pray to God, Inshallah, that I will find my way again. With weekly conversation groups for Spanish, and in between listening to Podcasts and reading books in Spanish, I believe I am getting a lot closer to the dream I had imagined in my life, but was moving far away from after I had graduated college.

Sometimes coming back home from college, and moving back in to parental households can distract us from our goals as well. There is so much pressure for us to get a job right out of college these days, that we just go for the first decent paying job we see, but it is important to stop and ask ourselves, is this really where we see ourselves 5-10 years down the line? And if the answer to the question is "no", then we must reevaluate our current plan and adjust our execution to get closer to that pathway we had envisioned for ourselves to be on. "Never live anyone else's dream, only yours because you will have to live with it in the end"

I know one thing, I love Spanish, speaking it, reading it, listening to it...pretty much all of the above. I don't know what I want to do with it just yet, but I know if I go through just one day without practicing it or even saying one word in this language, I feel like crying. I feel like something is missing. And that to me is passion...so I'm glad I still have it.

Also a word of advice to college juniors and seniors especially, and even college graduates: It's okay if you don't have it all put together, just as long as you're not giving up on yourself, that is all that matters. Our life plan will constantly change and life will even cause ourselves to change, but we must never be afraid of change. We must welcome it. :)

Nostalgia

Aunque salí de españa hace más de un año, parece que era un desintegrado entre yo y mi pareja (el país). Des de me dejé mi compañero (España), mi corazón se siente vacío. Tengo que revolverlo allá y no hay ninguna excusa más. Voy a assistir en un programa para enseñar allá.  Ojala que me tenga suerte. No si que otro elijas tengo.  Gracias a dios para ayudando a verlo (mi sueño)

To new friendships, to a new lifestyle

It's been almost a month and a half (started June 10th) at my new job and I finally feel like I'm getting use to this new lifestyle change. The feeling of 6 am's are becoming more like the 11 am rituals that I had been use to ever since I graduated from college. Finding time for myself on weekends mostly and sometimes during the week has also been a challenge, but I'm getting there. I seem to use my weekends more purposefully now and not just a day to 'relax' but a day to really get out and do something fun.

I also can't deny, moving from a different city can be ultimately rough when all your friends are there and not here or they are here but in the 'real' world they actually live an hour or two away from you rather than the mere block away or just next door.

So now that I'm finally getting accustomed to this new change and new job, I feel like I'm actually meeting new people and enjoying my time off. I meet people in the most random ways, but I think that is the best way, when you just bump into someone, rather than having to be in a class with someone or work together all the time. I like spontaneity and finding people to relate to in the midst of my daily life, like perhaps at a bus stop or even while looking for shoes.

Lately I've been so busy that time to really relax is time where I fall asleep. This past weekend I not only got to hang out with my co-workers but I also got to spend time with friends who I hadn't seen in years. That makes me feel good because over the past few years I have been moving place to place, or country to country with no down time to just catch up and relax. I finally feel I'm back where this journey all started with a new view point in life.

I really know how to get to know people, and have open conversations, and without cultural barriers standing between us. I've met people from everywhere, while house hunting, at Domestic Violence (DV) trainings, at work, and even the library. I feel really accomplished to say that I'm actually making it out here in actual 'real' world, as I like to call it. It's a tough transition but I'm slowly but surely getting there.

I'm not quite sure what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I'm happy to be meeting people on the same path. We are all on different journeys but we are taking it day by day to figure out where we want to do. I enjoy the great conversations of passion and interests of our lives and how we don't just stop amongst jobs that only pay us well, but that deep down we are trying to really find ourselves. 

I like the freedom to search, to search within the city for answers and within countless, numerous people with so many real life experiences.

I like the ability to feel progression, I think this city has to offer a lot, not only in the actual 'city, city' but even the suburbs has countless opportunities to do things for fun and just learn about yourself and what you like to do.

I'm happy with my decision of not going abroad. I remember I thought that it was the only way I can grow more and learn to understand myself more, but I feel like I am doing just fine here. It's like a new place for me, where I'm starting all over and through that struggle and challenge, I am growing even more. :)

Job Search

Though I am not completely at the point of success where I'd like to be, I feel as though I'm getting closer each day. I feel motivated to do better and be better at whatever I do.

The other day, my father said a wise, motivating quote. He said "You know, there are two types of horses in the race. There are the super fast ones that finish before any other..and then there are the slower ones that take their time and pace themselves...they get to the finish line slower, but when they get there they make significant change and impact and you may be the slower one, but  you are making a change, a big progress through every little action you take and every accomplishment you make."

This made me feel really good because lately I have been feeling down in the dumps, upset of where I am and what my path in life is. It made me feel proud that my dad was proud me, regardless of me having a full time job or not, at least he sees that I'm working to get one. This made me feel like I am going somewhere and it's true...I just have to keep reminding my self that. I've been applying to different places, interviewing, networking, doing mock interviews and more, but I still felt pretty bad about not finding my niche I guess. I've been pretty negative too lately as well.

But, I'm taking a new stance, I'm trying at least to be more positive..to take an active role in my life...to make applying to jobs a full-time job. This is my priority. Also, applying to several graduate schools is also important to me. I can't give up. I'm already too close to my dream to give up. Have you ever had that feeling? Where you feel like each day you are getting closer to your main goal in life? Like those little steps you take are bringing some eternal happiness inside you? Well, I have been feeling that too...despite the lazy river of anxious waiting and hearing back from people and agencies I've applied to. Despite it all, I feel like my training and work in progress is bringing me closer to my dreams and that I would say is very fulfilling and I'm not giving up.

'Education is a life long process' and this quote, to me, refers to learning from past mistakes and modifying my behavior to bring me closer to happiness, God, and my dreams for the future. Education is not just inside a textbook or a classroom, it is learning from those around you that have different backgrounds, skills, and experience with life in general, and applying that knowledge to your life. That is what education is to me.

The information you learn here goes past the door- Domestic Violence Training

So I'm going to share with you guys a few things I learned from my Domestic Violence 40-hour training these past weeks as well as a few topics I have up for debate. What kind of irked me today, especially was that the speakers referred to a Counselor (LPC) at an NGO taking on an 'Advocate' role rather than a therapeutic one.

I also feel this training was a bit biased. Not only is it coming mainly from a South Asian perspective, but it's also coming from a strong-headed feminist and Social Work perspective. Don't get me wrong, I myself am a feminist, but to put women as a victim and to say we are 'institutionalized' and everything wrong occurs to us only, seems to me as a tad bit one-sided. I don't like feeling like everything bad is occurring to women and usually by the male gender. I seek to have an androgynous world, with equality.... and if we keep saying we are the victim of this patriarchal society, then we will never see a man or men as equal, because we will look down at every man...though every man does not commit sexual assault or Domestic Violence.

I started seeing myself have these thoughts, negative thoughts towards the opposite sex...because all we do is blame the men. And though I do not advocate for Domestic Violence, I still do not believe that it is okay to blame all men instead of just a group that commit the act of Domestic Violence. According to my training, presented by an NGO that I do not want to disclose,  12% of adult men in the general American population have been violent with an intimate female partner, which is approximately 2 million men in the US. That is a large number, nonetheless, but I do still feel that we cannot blame the whole group for the mistakes of a smaller part of the male population. That is incorrect and unfair. I mean to hear speakers say that they know men who feel bad if a girl/woman is walking down the street at night because she probably thinks that he will attack her and he wants to yell, "I won't do anything, don't worry" makes me feel bad for those men that actually are good and not wanting to hurt another. I mean why do we put people in a general grouping when the training itself says not to compare one person of a group to the whole group, in regards to ethnicity and gender status at least(since we are all different)? I do know there is a high prevalence of Domestic Violence that occurs to women especially by men, but that does not mean all men are batterers. Domestic Violence also does occur to men by women, it is just under reported due to stigmas of society that a man must be strong enough to deal with the beating from a woman.Double standard huh? I do not condone Domestic Violence at all and I do believe law enforcement has a great influence on who's getting in trouble for these cases as well...but that is another long conversation as well for another day.

The other point I'd like to make is with Mental Illness and DV. By the way the acronym 'DV' does not seem to be used much when speaking about Domestic Violence by professionals, as far as I've seen, so I don't know if its okay to use that on an interview, cover letter, or conversation. I'm only using it interchangeably here to avoid typing it every time. 'Domestic Violence isn't caused by Mental Illnesses and nor does Mental Illness cause Domestic Violence' I don't necessarily believe that. According to professionals of DV, research states that perpetrators and abusers of DV don't necessarily have a disorder because they can control their anger in front of other people such as bosses, just not their wives, significant others, and/or girlfriends. Also according to DV training, it states that modeling aggression through family systems does not have a causal effect for batterers (which goes opposite what I've learned in all my psychology classes that men who have witnessed abuse are more likely to abuse others themselves). Actually, only 20-30% of men who experienced trauma or witnessed abuse in their families when they were younger are abusers now. Surprising, huh? And 50-65% of batterers only commit DV to families and have few, if any, pathologies. These are only correlational statistics, not causal.

Anyway's back to the mental health debate. PTSD is very common for trauma victims to deal with and especially those who have undergone Sexual Assault. People who are more at risk for PTSD are refugees and homeless. Approximately 5.2 million American adults 3.6% of the population develop Post-Traumatic-Stress Disorder. Also, 19.1 million American adults are affected by anxiety disorders. 9.5% of the U.S. population age 18 and older experience a depressive disorder, 66% of these people are women. I don't necessarily think these all correct figures, they are from the training.

From what I've learned, PTSD is very common in victims and survivors of Sexual Assault and/or Sexual Abuse....as well as depressive disorders in women in general are very common. My prediction was that DV can cause Mental Illness or has a high correlation to Mental Illnesses, such as depression and PTSD, manic depressive disorder, etc.

According to a Medical News Today, women with PTSD are 7 times more likely to have experienced Domestic Violence. Also women that experience DV are 2.5 times more likely to have depressive disorders. This is just one article that I found, but saying that mental illness is not correlated with Domestic Violence is absurd. It may not be causal but it is very hugely correlated.

It seems to me some NGO's try to not "stigmatize" their clients by stating that they are not undergoing a disorder or mental illness because they feel that their clients are not going through anything more than an unfortunate event that occurred in their life. To me, that sound ridiculous because although you may help someone get through this DV incident, find shelter, help get them a job, and give safety to their children, you are not helping them coping with the psychological trauma that they suffered, you are just supplementing them with basic material needs, which will only secure them for a short time. If you do not take care of the internal self, then how will you be happy with your external life completely? That is my question. I don't know if it is just this NGO that my training is through, but not diagnosing your client and ignoring the question of psychological effects, does not completely heal the client.

Also if you state you are 'counseling' your clients and just helping through crisis, but not working through their emotions and rather just helping them find security, OP's and a lifestyle change without evaluating them mentally through assessments and theory based therapy, how can you completely heal them? I think some NGO's need to understand how hugely Mental Illness plays a role in Domestic Violence and create a therapeutic based approach to their counseling.

India, nothing but the TRUTH

So I've been contemplating a lot about this blog post. For many weeks and months I have struggled inside of myself and thought "should I really write this?" or "is this going to benefit anyone?" Then I realized  I was in fear of writing this because I didn’t want to offend people, especially those of my community that are of Indian descent. Many people have told me that I am just pointing out the negatives of the country . But reality is, if I don’t say what I saw and try to come to a solution, who will? I’m not going to try and sugar coat what I saw in India, nor am I going to be rude as well, but I will tell you the bitter truth to what the sad parts of living in an Indian community can be like.

This past January, when I visited India and it wasn't quite the experience I expected to have. It was actually really eye opening, yet brought me to deep disgust. Much of what I saw on T.V. or heard other people brag about was not the truth of India. The clothes, the shopping, the beautiful scenery was all there.

Believe it or not, my first view of India was right as we were stepping out of the plane. I actually was trying to go in with an open mind and it wasn't even like I just had a self-confirming bias of negative stereotypes I hold because I was predicting that India would be so modernized and open like my mom and recent popularity of the country had told me. But indeed, this first view of the country reconfirmed negative past thoughts. It was so minute, yet so aggravating to see. It was actually a man and woman arguing on the plane. This woman was the same woman I smiled at as I stepped foot onto the plane and she actually had given me an angry stare. I believe this woman had come with her friend on the plane and she was one of the few of the women  alongside with us that was on board to India from Dubai. I don't think she had any connection with that man, but still he was talking down to her like she was his child or actually, the way many Indian men talk to their wives. He told her "how dare you talk to me like that, do you not know how to talk to a man with respect???". And this was just moments after some conversation between them had occurred. This was right when people were trying get off the plane. This was an argument based on petty reasons, because supposedly she referred to the guy in a informal "you" which is "tu" in Hindi and he told her to refer to him by "aap" which is the formal way of saying "you". I couldn't believe my eyes that this was happening in only the first few moments of us landing in the country.

Despite my first negative experience, I still came in with an open mind. We had great times in Mumbai with endless hours shopping, eating, drinking fresh fruit juices,movie nights with mom, and Juhu Beach. Things were great, but I never felt free. I always had to be with family. I didn't feel comfortable even wearing shorts there or even a dress. The one time I did wear a dress, I believed I was slapped on the buttocks once or twice. I felt like I was being stared every moment I was there, especially when wearing more revealing clothing.

I thought to myself, may this is why other women aren't out at night by themselves, maybe they feel just as scared as me or even worse? I thought why on earth are there a gazillion men on the streets but not any woman? 'I thought there was a night life here, is it hidden or is it just shown on T.V.?'

I spoke to my family about these questions. They didn't really have a valid answer as per my knowledge. They just said things like "because it's late out and it’s dangerous for a woman to be out". Though I heard all these bashing viewpoints about America from my relatives, I never heard anything negative about India. It was always seemed like everyone was saying India's the best, but never actually stated logical reasons as to why. This made me really upset. Surely, there were issues here that had yet to be resolved. "If I read a book on the red light district here in India and I feel so unsafe, there has to be something missing from this puzzle!",I thought. I already knew gender discrimination was prevalent, but I knew it was being ignored. The patriarchal system and the people of the community seemed to be in denial. I decided to stop the ignorance and actually start watching the news with my grandfather every night. I couldn't let my country be put to pieces when I knew there was some grander issue in the country I was residing in as well, which was just being denied.

Through watching the news, I found out shocking and terrible statistics of Mumbai and New Delhi...the lack of security and safety a woman has..ugh the indecency! Everyday, I heard a new story about a rape case, whether it was dispute about the girl who was raped on the bus or an 8 year girl that was raped in her school bathroom...it was ridiculous! Then I thought, "why are all of these rape cases being shown only in New Delhi, is it only New Delhi that this occurs in?"

Later, I found out that Mumbai was the largest city with a red light district in all of Asia. If this was a fact, why do so many people act like it's not true? Why do so many people brag about the country as if there are no problems? Why is there this need for so much ethnocentrism? Why not admit there is a problem and actually help reduce the problem???

Why do I see so many women hiding the truth of their realities that they deal with right in their house each and everyday? Is hiding really going to help us end this violence, this gender inequality?? Is this denial going to help change this patriarchal-dominant country to become androgynous, equal society? How can we stop gender-roles if we don’t stop ourselves from conforming to them?

So I am here now, realizing more and more each day about my passion, the passion that I have tried to subside due to the lack of support I have received from many people. Many people think it is such a difficult issue to address, that there is no help saving it. I on the other hand am not okay with Domestic Violence and human trafficking. I will not sit back and watch the show. I will not ignore it. Many of us see the issues among society and wish to sit back and let others do the work. Society has confirmed to  me that bystander effect is very prevalent and that many people assume the job will be taken care of by someone else, but that is not always the case. I on the other hand cannot stand this. WE  are a community that are progressing in sO many ways, and YET Domestic Violence and Human trafficking is still such a grand issue in our communities?

If you haven’t done so already, please read the book SOLD by Patricia McCormick because this book will open your eyes. I’m sorry but this is an issue that I am NOT going to ignore and I cannot stress that enough.

Something inside me is pulling me there and one day I will be in India advocating for women’s rights and I don’t care who tries and stop me.

Thank you.

Awakening

How is it...for so long that I knew my passions, my hopes, and my dreams, I never really completely chased them? How is it that all along, the passion that I ran away from, in hopes that the deep burning desire to fulfill it will go away, actually came back to me a hundred times harder? It's like a thought you have and try to supress to make it go away, but it never actually goes away, but this time it's a life decision that you avoid trying to make, until it come's back and "bites you in the butt".

This is how I feel with psychology, art, and counseling psych. Three themes in my life that have been going around and around in circles, and making me aware of them so much to the point that I cannot understand. I have always had a deep love for art since I was a child. From knitting, to drawing, to crocheting, to arts and crafts, to etc. It's been a hobby and something I've loved to do since I was a child. But....(there's always a 'but')

But I didn't pursue that passion because all my life I was told that if I go into a field like art, I will not make any money. My family's focus was money, money, money. And although, I agree money does help you survive, but money doesn't conquer all. Love does. Passion does. Passion and love together bring more loads of happiness and drive than money can ever bring. So why didn't I pursue this passion if I knew all this?

I don't know really. Recently, I watched a video (referred by my boyfriend), about a "rat race" we're all in.  And about how all of us are trying to have this "american dream" and basically what it is making us become robots. It's telling us to be in the system of things such as going to school, getting a job, getting life insurance, having kids, and working till we retire. That is the 'system' that we all are following. Many of us don't ever tend to follow our own dreams because we are so involved with the dream of society, the dream that wasn't made from our hearts. How often do we ever follow our own dreams, passions, loves, or undying drives in life?

After watching this video I was more than ready to search more for what I really wanted to do. I hated looking for jobs and felt so overwhelmingly sad and depressed because I was out of school. I felt like I had no life. I didn't do anything really feeling productive. I felt like a ' couch potato'. My question to myself was, ' why am I looking for a job when my heart really isn't?' and 'would it really be this hard to find a job or even get myself to apply to just ONE job if I was really passionate in finding one?' The answer to me was apparent when I realized I wasn't ready to find a real life job. I was so interested in learning more about my field that I wasn't ready to become 'a rat running after it's cheese' so to speak.

So I'm at this stage now where I started researching graduate schools and figuring out my passion. Today I went to an open house for Adler University. I found a few programs that really interested me. I came into the open house with no idea how I would decide which program truly intrigued me because I had so many that caught my attention. I went to a few tables and really found out what had been a good fit for me, one that had a piece of me that I was missing from my life equation all along. One that incorporated Art and that was the Masters of Arts in Counseling Psychology: Art Therapy. It kind of touched my heart, like it felt like a rock had hit my chest when I was thinking about this program. This deep down passion that I had missed for so long. I couldn't believe my ears and eyes how there was a program that had both the things I loved in it.

I remembered how I did so well in the art classes I took in my undergraduate career and how it didn't feel like a class to me when I did art, it felt more like a hobby, a part of me that was dying of thirst and hunger, that I had not actually fed in a while. I really want to seek out this craving, this obsession for art and therapy and find a happy medium for both my fascinations.  I don't know if this the right program for me yet, but I do know that this was a great awakening for me today. I cannot wait to see what's more to come in the future.

Echo de menos España

Aunque hace un ano y poco más des de estuve en España, lo echo de menos como fue ayer que estuve allá. Cuando veo los fotos de mis amigos quienes están alla, estoy celosa porque lo está muy lejos de mi pero cerca en una manera. Nunca olvidaré el lugar de recuerdos donde yo crecí de una chica a una mujer. Parece como una poesía pero estoy seria. Para siempre, mi corazón estará en Granada. :)

The life of an Indian...the life of an Indian tourist...the life of an American-Indian

(written in January 2013, posted March 2013)

Currently in a cybercafe, listening to Azhan that goes on 5 times a day here. For those of you who don't know what this is, Azhan is a Muslim call to prayer. There is a person chosen primarily to do a special prayer at the tower dome of a mosque in every city. It is for Sunni Muslims. It is a very different culture I'm getting use to over here.

The first few weeks, I was phasing culture shock I believe. It wasn't as bad as it would be if I were here alone, but it was pretty bad. I hated it here for the first week especially. Loud honking of taxis, rickshaws, and every motor vehicle they use here, even motorcycles....they all honk here for no reason it seemed, and its SUPER loud.

Also, the pollution was horrible...the gas expelled from the cars seems stronger here and since the population is so high, you really smell and take in every breath of gasoline while you're on the road to your next destination. Traffic was so bad here that I thought I was going to die a couple of times (not literally haha). In the city, the congestion of people seemed unbearable...nearly saw my life flash before my eyes a couple of times in a taxi. I'm surprised I haven't seen any motor vehicle accidents yet. People don't even ride in lanes, they just pack their cars one behind the other, like an unorganized jigsaw puzzle.

I remember once, there were 5 people all in the intersection to go 5 different ways..a motorcyclist, a rickshaw, a taxi, a couple of pedestrians and my mom and me in another taxi were all trying to move our way to the opposite side of the road...it seemed like a race...similar to Hunger games haha...like we all would fight till the end, everyone for themselves. Luckily, we made it through this traffic circle safely...it was horrifying..

Now, I'm not as tense and irritated and scared of India, as it is more peaceful to me...I have grown accustomed to the endless honking...and take each thing as it comes...nevertheless India has not once been boring...always something new I see each day..whether its a wagon being pulled by cows or a lady sleeping on the street with her baby...India is teaching me a lot. I'm thankful I got to come here again, at an older age...because there is so much here that I hardly could comprehend it at age 12...at age 22, as a young woman, I see things that are opening my eyes to a new world. Whether they bring tears to my eyes  or teach me something new...I am growing here.

This world is completely different...incomparable to any other country...slightly similar to Europe at times...but still highly incomparable.There has been things I have witnessed that are shocking to my own eyes....and probably wouldn't have chosen to see...but this is the life here...sometimes sad and sometimes happy. Those fortunate of leading happy lives are lucky. On the other hand,  it is very sad to see those leading unhappy impoverished lives. 

Dubai All the way

On my first travel journey of 2013, its crazy!! I'm in Dubai. Loving the weather. It's 70's here, their winter, our SUMMER exactly!!

I'm visiting my family, uncle, aunt, grandparents...its beautiful here. So many skyscrapers, 5-star hotels, huge-ginormous malls...I'm speechless about this place, its crazy ludicrous, insanely-awesome!!

Despite the fact that I have only slept for 14 hours after being here for two days, and coming off of a sleepless flight of 40 hours of no sleep...I'm ready for this new adventure to begin.

I cant tell you how blessed I feel to have this opportunity to see my grandparents after SO long. It's been 10 years since I last saw my grandfather...and a few years since last seeing grandma...its good to be home (it always feels like home when you're in the presence of family or people like family).

The smell of pear soap, smell of sandy desert, the smell of jasmine, the smell of delicious Indian food...all these smells remind me of my grandparents home. I love this house...so many memories from when I was a child...spending months at a time here....though I only have been here twice before, it feels like I had left a piece of me here.

The apartment buildings facing each other...the abnormal honking of cars..the smooth lifestyle...the cleaniliness of the roads...the authentic shawarma...You know that old adage about distance making you miss something so much...well I believe thats true in almost every way, but sometimes you don't realize how much you actually missed everything until its actually in front of you...how much you actually remembered of what you missed until its actually in front of you.

 I missed my grandparents and didn't realize how long its been till I saw them. I even pinched my grandmothers cheeks. I missed my grandfather and how he always is on top of things and is ready by the speck of dawn for the day...with his slacks and hair combed back...always looking so handsome.

I missed it all it seems. the baklava...the pani puri...the indian music...I dont know the feeling of being home. I guess it all comes back to being Indian. They say you are not technically "from" the country if you are not born there, but I believe regardless of that, if you feel you so strongly about your culture, despite not being born there, you are still primarily part of that culture. Indian culture is also SO strong, how can you NOT miss it? ;) Also the wide mesh between Arabian and Indian culture is so different, so intriguing, so new to me, and yet so close to home.

Where I was, Where I am, and Where I'm going

3.5 years ago...my first time at a University

I was afraid to even step foot on this campus...I researched this school my second time in community college, my first time in high school. I didn't believe I would even make it here, let alone, be given permission to come here from my parents. 4 years ago, I took the Discover Western tour here, by MYSELF. I visited the school by MYSELF. I lied to my parents that I was coming here with a friend and rode the Amtrak by MYSELF....

I hated it here for the few first years. Although I was in organizations and very involved on campus, I didn't feel like this was completely my home. I thought the town was so boring. I didn't fit in, and I didn't have true friends. And the 'true friends' I thought I had weren't who I thought they were to be. I learned quickly, this was going to be tough. But surely, I wasn't a quitter...

2 years ago...

I started to finally like it here...I would spend weekends in the Square, getting coffee...going to the Vitamin Lady Store, Bargain Box, and random shops I found in the Macomb Square. I felt lonely at first but these weekend trips made me feel comfortable being alone. I started to love the square, but I still didn't feel at home I felt like I didn't fit in with the towns people. Towards to the end of my junior year, I started meeting more new people..through my ceramics class...and through the rec center classes I was taking. I got closer with these new friends and they have stuck with me till this day. I never thought I would have friends to rely on, like backbones. I never had that before. 

3 weeks till Graduation...

December 15th is my graduation. A month ago I was crying, wanting to ball my eyes out that I was leaving from here. I don't know why but I know it's not the typical feeling that most of the graduating seniors are having right now. Most of my friends are ecstatic to leave...but me, no, no I am DEFINITEly not ready to leave. 

I LOVE this town. I love everything about it. The CAMPUS panorama itself, was what drew me to this school and till this day I love the scenery. The little cute shops in the SQUARE are my favorite. My knitting group I go to every Wednesday in the Square(Hooked on U)...I have met a few of the nicest people there. My psychology professors who I deeply admire. I really feel like they have helped me keep going day in and day out through all the strenous work we go through in the department. They have helped me with recommendations for grad school and even supported my efforts for Study Abroad. I can't tell you one thing I won't miss about this place.

I use to think this college was horrible, a shit hole actually, it was behind on everything, academics, the little "city" of Macomb was hardly a city, but recently actually JUST this semester, I learned that it's completely the opposite. Macomb...WIU...means SO much to me. I grew up here. I made mistakes...I LEARNED from them. I took RISKS...I grew up....I flew across the whole world...to ANOTHER country....by MYSELF...something I would have NEVER done before...

The old me...would never have taken a risk as big as traveling across seas, and taking weekend trips ALONE..but I DID. The old, timid Afsha would not have said "hey, today I'm going to be Treasurer or even President of an organization", but I DID. The old me wouldn't have spoke out in Take Back the Night as a survivor...but I DID. All of these points of my life have completely defined me as a different person than I was just yesterday, or just last year, or more so,  4 years ago.

They have made me who I am today...they have made me this strong, goal achieving, never-stopping, outgoing, crazy, happy, goofy, dedicated, intelligent Afsha. I'm so proud of myself...and so happy and grateful for my opportunity here.

In high school I received bad grades. Luckily, in college with the help of great mentors, I finally learned to believe in myself and got on the Deans list. I still to this day...cannot believe this is all real.

I'm graduating soon and CANNOT believe it. Is this REALLY happening? Am I, REALLY going to walk across that stage and get a BACHELORS Degree? Who would of thought...honestly. 

But here I am, still worried, stressed, trying to figure out my life after college, what I want to do after college, where I want to live. I finally took the first step though...which is ACCEPTANCE, accepting that its going to happen. I even opened up a graduate school application and started on it. I'm so nervous and anxious I wont get in, but I'm still trying and I think that's all that matters. I'm applying for jobs too, I'm getting recommendations, I'm doing all that it takes to get there, and thats all that matters...TRYING. 

A month ago, I was too scared to even apply for grad schools, saying "what if I don't get in", and then I realized, why am I putting a crutch on my own self? Why not take the advice I give to everyone else and take the risk(s). So I'm doing it....and I'm not stopping and I'm going to sit back afterwards, and let God do his magic...and I will Insha'allah, end up where I am meant to be...and that to me is a great feeling.

Wish me good luck on this crazy-wild journey!  

Coming up in the Skokie Newspaper!!!

This is pretty cool...from last year..I hope it happens again even though I was in Spain last semester! Campus - Skokie Review

Back in the States

Its been more a month since I've been back and I can't tell you how time flies! I had a rough transition when I first arrived back here, as I was missing Spain and Europe immensely. I couldn't believe I wasn't going to be back there in just a week or two of vacationing, like our usual vacation weeks we had abroad. It was unbelievable how the reverse culture shock had hit me.

I actually MISSED Spain! I missed its culture, the fashion especially, and my dear friends I made across seas  and those that live in America but in far away states. For the first few weeks at home, I stayed home mostly...went for walks to get myself out of my depressive state of being back, and tried to keep myself busy. I joined a gym, actually and started walking there (as I didn't have a car at the time) and back.

It was really hard adjusting to the life without my friends I made abroad. Life here felt completely different. I couldn't go to my best friend Drea's room every morning and say "hey sunshine! what you up to?" nor could I swing into Ashley's room and say "hey, can I borrow your blow dry brushes?". I felt so out of place...life felt so boring here! I missed being able to go outside and face a new adventure everyday. I missed smelling the bird poop in Plaza de Trinidad (sarcasm)...not really, but you know I missed those things that I was so use to there and at the time I may have seen some aspects negatively and was now seeing them more positively.

I missed passing by random stores on the way to and from my walk to school. I missed random cat calls in the streets by cute old men... "hola guapa!!". I missed seeing the icecream vendors and their "Granadina" slushies. And I especially missed TAPAS!!! All day and everyday!

But later, I came to the realization that I can either miss these things so much that I dwell on them or I can find/discover a new beautiful land right outside my window. Once I decided this, I started to notice the beauties around me...though they weren't the same...there were a lot of positives about America. I felt thankful for being back here, my second home as well as first.

So this summer I've been trying to make time for "living" my life here at home...exploring the city and the hidden wonders within it...meeting new people...studying a bit for the GRE...working at my part time job...and especially spending time with family. Summer has gone by so fast already, I'm stunned! It's sad to see it coming closer to an end but I'm enjoying every moment that I can.

And forever will I hold in my heart the memories and experiences I had in Spain...forever will the changes effect my life and my heart...and forever it will never be the same! :)

-Afsha

La Alhambra and El Albaycín

As you walk through the Albaiycín,

Down by the river

Past Plaza Nueva

And the and the surplus of little artisan shops

You can smell the nature

And feel the breath of refreshing air

As you trickle down on the cobbled roads

And play close attention to the tiny waterfalls

You will notice a group of cats down there below the bridge

Feel and live the tranquility

And as the sun shines bright

Take a moment to sit across the Alhambra

Reminiscing about your days here

Pay special attention to this wonderful palace

that you have been so blessed to see.

Eat several tapas and take endless amounts of pictures

'Toma el sol' as the spaniards call it or Sun-bathe

How fortunate you are to be here

Now as you get ready to leave say 'hasta luego' to the Chilean lady in the owl-bag shop,

And a definite see you later to this city of Granada and and to your wonderful friends you have made here

Attempt to remember each aspect of this place and the beauty of it all

And remember to thank God for this wonderful opportunity and everything it has given you

A Month Left

I cant believe time flew by this fast....over the past four months...I learned so much about myself...made a handful of best friends...traveled to many different countries...and made a life for myself here that I never could have imagined before. 

Within the next month, I'm attempting to do as much as possible...going to London, England this weekend...then to Lagos, Portugal the next weekend...then hopefully to Malaga the following weekend... to celebrate my 22nd birthday! I can't wait!! I dont want this vacation to end...its gone by so fast...seems like...I'm just became completely comfortable...and got rid of my homesickness...and its almost time to go!

But, I'm going to make the best of whats left of this trip and carry on! After this trip the countries and cities I will have visited on this trip are Asilah, Tetuan,  Chefchaouen (شفشاون), Meknes, Fes- Morocco; Rome, Naples, and Pompei- Italy; Rhonda, Sevilla, Cordoba, Granada, Barcelona, Madrid, and Malaga- Spain; London, Brighton- Great Britain; Lagos, Portugal. Holy cow!! That's alot of places! So proud of myself for embarking on this trip...no matter the ups and downs...I will never forget this unforgettable experience.


Thank you to everyone that helped make it happen: Mom, Dad, Sra. Ranft, Jan Wilda, Mike Houlahan, Sra. Landis, Sra. Jacobson, Sra. Obregon, Sra. Guadalupe-Timmons, Ehren Kuzekov  and many more!!

Barcelona and Madrid

Hey yall, I'm back! I know its been forever since I've posted  on my blog but I've been really busy traveling the world from Madrid to Barcelona to Morocco to Madrid again...and now back to Granada. Believe it or not I didn't LOVE Barcelona as many are accustomed to say/think they will be....it wasn't the great beautiful place as I imagined. The building weren't as ancient and old as I thought it would be...and I know Barcelona is the land for Modernisma art and architecture but since many of the building were built so long ago, I thought it would be a different experience...unfortunately many of the buildings were redone and renovated..so they lost their ancient flare...that I really had been expecting. I loved Madrid though...we met an amazing amount of people from Australians, to Germans, Czech Republicans?, Polish, and many more. Madrid also had a great amount of beautiful architecture and art, which is why I had to go there for a second time...I enjoyed seeing the Reina Sophia Museum the most...and also loved Parque Buen Retiro...where we paddle boated the day away... Carry on for a gist of the past weeks. 

Fideua Paella served with Garlic Mayo... this had the normal seafood as regular Paella..such as shrimp, scallops, mussels, but instead of rice it had the Fideua noodles...a "Catalunyan" delicacy

Living Barcelona 1825-

 A restaurant based on the Jazz Age..having pictures of Caberet dancers...really reminded me of Chicago :)

Casa Batllo

Txapela
This place had menu of 60 tapas to choose from...all cooked fresh right there for you...though they were little...after you ate five or so...you were stuffed

Inside of Casa Batllo

Inside of the Mercat Boqueria in Las Ramblas
Barcelona, Spain

Fresh Hand-Dipped Chocolate..Yum

Park Guell

Park Guell....

....

NO CAPTION NEEDED
aka La Sagrada Familia

First Meal in Barcelona..and yes thats squid with its head on...and I actually tried it... not recommended if you dont like a sandy taste in your mouth...haha but a first time for everything is definitely worth the story!

More of the Sagrada Familia..under construction

Inside of the Sagrada Familia

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First fancy meal in Barcelona...Istanbul food...best Middle Eastern food I have tried so far :)

On the Bus to Madrid

Puerta del Sol

Tapas at Mercado De San Miguel

Madrid, Spain

Puerta del Sol

Some of the best deserts I have tried in Spain by far...

On the right--->chocolate moose and whip cream in the middle :)