Nostalgia

Aunque salí de españa hace más de un año, parece que era un desintegrado entre yo y mi pareja (el país). Des de me dejé mi compañero (España), mi corazón se siente vacío. Tengo que revolverlo allá y no hay ninguna excusa más. Voy a assistir en un programa para enseñar allá.  Ojala que me tenga suerte. No si que otro elijas tengo.  Gracias a dios para ayudando a verlo (mi sueño)

To new friendships, to a new lifestyle

It's been almost a month and a half (started June 10th) at my new job and I finally feel like I'm getting use to this new lifestyle change. The feeling of 6 am's are becoming more like the 11 am rituals that I had been use to ever since I graduated from college. Finding time for myself on weekends mostly and sometimes during the week has also been a challenge, but I'm getting there. I seem to use my weekends more purposefully now and not just a day to 'relax' but a day to really get out and do something fun.

I also can't deny, moving from a different city can be ultimately rough when all your friends are there and not here or they are here but in the 'real' world they actually live an hour or two away from you rather than the mere block away or just next door.

So now that I'm finally getting accustomed to this new change and new job, I feel like I'm actually meeting new people and enjoying my time off. I meet people in the most random ways, but I think that is the best way, when you just bump into someone, rather than having to be in a class with someone or work together all the time. I like spontaneity and finding people to relate to in the midst of my daily life, like perhaps at a bus stop or even while looking for shoes.

Lately I've been so busy that time to really relax is time where I fall asleep. This past weekend I not only got to hang out with my co-workers but I also got to spend time with friends who I hadn't seen in years. That makes me feel good because over the past few years I have been moving place to place, or country to country with no down time to just catch up and relax. I finally feel I'm back where this journey all started with a new view point in life.

I really know how to get to know people, and have open conversations, and without cultural barriers standing between us. I've met people from everywhere, while house hunting, at Domestic Violence (DV) trainings, at work, and even the library. I feel really accomplished to say that I'm actually making it out here in actual 'real' world, as I like to call it. It's a tough transition but I'm slowly but surely getting there.

I'm not quite sure what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I'm happy to be meeting people on the same path. We are all on different journeys but we are taking it day by day to figure out where we want to do. I enjoy the great conversations of passion and interests of our lives and how we don't just stop amongst jobs that only pay us well, but that deep down we are trying to really find ourselves. 

I like the freedom to search, to search within the city for answers and within countless, numerous people with so many real life experiences.

I like the ability to feel progression, I think this city has to offer a lot, not only in the actual 'city, city' but even the suburbs has countless opportunities to do things for fun and just learn about yourself and what you like to do.

I'm happy with my decision of not going abroad. I remember I thought that it was the only way I can grow more and learn to understand myself more, but I feel like I am doing just fine here. It's like a new place for me, where I'm starting all over and through that struggle and challenge, I am growing even more. :)

Job Search

Though I am not completely at the point of success where I'd like to be, I feel as though I'm getting closer each day. I feel motivated to do better and be better at whatever I do.

The other day, my father said a wise, motivating quote. He said "You know, there are two types of horses in the race. There are the super fast ones that finish before any other..and then there are the slower ones that take their time and pace themselves...they get to the finish line slower, but when they get there they make significant change and impact and you may be the slower one, but  you are making a change, a big progress through every little action you take and every accomplishment you make."

This made me feel really good because lately I have been feeling down in the dumps, upset of where I am and what my path in life is. It made me feel proud that my dad was proud me, regardless of me having a full time job or not, at least he sees that I'm working to get one. This made me feel like I am going somewhere and it's true...I just have to keep reminding my self that. I've been applying to different places, interviewing, networking, doing mock interviews and more, but I still felt pretty bad about not finding my niche I guess. I've been pretty negative too lately as well.

But, I'm taking a new stance, I'm trying at least to be more positive..to take an active role in my life...to make applying to jobs a full-time job. This is my priority. Also, applying to several graduate schools is also important to me. I can't give up. I'm already too close to my dream to give up. Have you ever had that feeling? Where you feel like each day you are getting closer to your main goal in life? Like those little steps you take are bringing some eternal happiness inside you? Well, I have been feeling that too...despite the lazy river of anxious waiting and hearing back from people and agencies I've applied to. Despite it all, I feel like my training and work in progress is bringing me closer to my dreams and that I would say is very fulfilling and I'm not giving up.

'Education is a life long process' and this quote, to me, refers to learning from past mistakes and modifying my behavior to bring me closer to happiness, God, and my dreams for the future. Education is not just inside a textbook or a classroom, it is learning from those around you that have different backgrounds, skills, and experience with life in general, and applying that knowledge to your life. That is what education is to me.

The information you learn here goes past the door- Domestic Violence Training

So I'm going to share with you guys a few things I learned from my Domestic Violence 40-hour training these past weeks as well as a few topics I have up for debate. What kind of irked me today, especially was that the speakers referred to a Counselor (LPC) at an NGO taking on an 'Advocate' role rather than a therapeutic one.

I also feel this training was a bit biased. Not only is it coming mainly from a South Asian perspective, but it's also coming from a strong-headed feminist and Social Work perspective. Don't get me wrong, I myself am a feminist, but to put women as a victim and to say we are 'institutionalized' and everything wrong occurs to us only, seems to me as a tad bit one-sided. I don't like feeling like everything bad is occurring to women and usually by the male gender. I seek to have an androgynous world, with equality.... and if we keep saying we are the victim of this patriarchal society, then we will never see a man or men as equal, because we will look down at every man...though every man does not commit sexual assault or Domestic Violence.

I started seeing myself have these thoughts, negative thoughts towards the opposite sex...because all we do is blame the men. And though I do not advocate for Domestic Violence, I still do not believe that it is okay to blame all men instead of just a group that commit the act of Domestic Violence. According to my training, presented by an NGO that I do not want to disclose,  12% of adult men in the general American population have been violent with an intimate female partner, which is approximately 2 million men in the US. That is a large number, nonetheless, but I do still feel that we cannot blame the whole group for the mistakes of a smaller part of the male population. That is incorrect and unfair. I mean to hear speakers say that they know men who feel bad if a girl/woman is walking down the street at night because she probably thinks that he will attack her and he wants to yell, "I won't do anything, don't worry" makes me feel bad for those men that actually are good and not wanting to hurt another. I mean why do we put people in a general grouping when the training itself says not to compare one person of a group to the whole group, in regards to ethnicity and gender status at least(since we are all different)? I do know there is a high prevalence of Domestic Violence that occurs to women especially by men, but that does not mean all men are batterers. Domestic Violence also does occur to men by women, it is just under reported due to stigmas of society that a man must be strong enough to deal with the beating from a woman.Double standard huh? I do not condone Domestic Violence at all and I do believe law enforcement has a great influence on who's getting in trouble for these cases as well...but that is another long conversation as well for another day.

The other point I'd like to make is with Mental Illness and DV. By the way the acronym 'DV' does not seem to be used much when speaking about Domestic Violence by professionals, as far as I've seen, so I don't know if its okay to use that on an interview, cover letter, or conversation. I'm only using it interchangeably here to avoid typing it every time. 'Domestic Violence isn't caused by Mental Illnesses and nor does Mental Illness cause Domestic Violence' I don't necessarily believe that. According to professionals of DV, research states that perpetrators and abusers of DV don't necessarily have a disorder because they can control their anger in front of other people such as bosses, just not their wives, significant others, and/or girlfriends. Also according to DV training, it states that modeling aggression through family systems does not have a causal effect for batterers (which goes opposite what I've learned in all my psychology classes that men who have witnessed abuse are more likely to abuse others themselves). Actually, only 20-30% of men who experienced trauma or witnessed abuse in their families when they were younger are abusers now. Surprising, huh? And 50-65% of batterers only commit DV to families and have few, if any, pathologies. These are only correlational statistics, not causal.

Anyway's back to the mental health debate. PTSD is very common for trauma victims to deal with and especially those who have undergone Sexual Assault. People who are more at risk for PTSD are refugees and homeless. Approximately 5.2 million American adults 3.6% of the population develop Post-Traumatic-Stress Disorder. Also, 19.1 million American adults are affected by anxiety disorders. 9.5% of the U.S. population age 18 and older experience a depressive disorder, 66% of these people are women. I don't necessarily think these all correct figures, they are from the training.

From what I've learned, PTSD is very common in victims and survivors of Sexual Assault and/or Sexual Abuse....as well as depressive disorders in women in general are very common. My prediction was that DV can cause Mental Illness or has a high correlation to Mental Illnesses, such as depression and PTSD, manic depressive disorder, etc.

According to a Medical News Today, women with PTSD are 7 times more likely to have experienced Domestic Violence. Also women that experience DV are 2.5 times more likely to have depressive disorders. This is just one article that I found, but saying that mental illness is not correlated with Domestic Violence is absurd. It may not be causal but it is very hugely correlated.

It seems to me some NGO's try to not "stigmatize" their clients by stating that they are not undergoing a disorder or mental illness because they feel that their clients are not going through anything more than an unfortunate event that occurred in their life. To me, that sound ridiculous because although you may help someone get through this DV incident, find shelter, help get them a job, and give safety to their children, you are not helping them coping with the psychological trauma that they suffered, you are just supplementing them with basic material needs, which will only secure them for a short time. If you do not take care of the internal self, then how will you be happy with your external life completely? That is my question. I don't know if it is just this NGO that my training is through, but not diagnosing your client and ignoring the question of psychological effects, does not completely heal the client.

Also if you state you are 'counseling' your clients and just helping through crisis, but not working through their emotions and rather just helping them find security, OP's and a lifestyle change without evaluating them mentally through assessments and theory based therapy, how can you completely heal them? I think some NGO's need to understand how hugely Mental Illness plays a role in Domestic Violence and create a therapeutic based approach to their counseling.

India, nothing but the TRUTH

So I've been contemplating a lot about this blog post. For many weeks and months I have struggled inside of myself and thought "should I really write this?" or "is this going to benefit anyone?" Then I realized  I was in fear of writing this because I didn’t want to offend people, especially those of my community that are of Indian descent. Many people have told me that I am just pointing out the negatives of the country . But reality is, if I don’t say what I saw and try to come to a solution, who will? I’m not going to try and sugar coat what I saw in India, nor am I going to be rude as well, but I will tell you the bitter truth to what the sad parts of living in an Indian community can be like.

This past January, when I visited India and it wasn't quite the experience I expected to have. It was actually really eye opening, yet brought me to deep disgust. Much of what I saw on T.V. or heard other people brag about was not the truth of India. The clothes, the shopping, the beautiful scenery was all there.

Believe it or not, my first view of India was right as we were stepping out of the plane. I actually was trying to go in with an open mind and it wasn't even like I just had a self-confirming bias of negative stereotypes I hold because I was predicting that India would be so modernized and open like my mom and recent popularity of the country had told me. But indeed, this first view of the country reconfirmed negative past thoughts. It was so minute, yet so aggravating to see. It was actually a man and woman arguing on the plane. This woman was the same woman I smiled at as I stepped foot onto the plane and she actually had given me an angry stare. I believe this woman had come with her friend on the plane and she was one of the few of the women  alongside with us that was on board to India from Dubai. I don't think she had any connection with that man, but still he was talking down to her like she was his child or actually, the way many Indian men talk to their wives. He told her "how dare you talk to me like that, do you not know how to talk to a man with respect???". And this was just moments after some conversation between them had occurred. This was right when people were trying get off the plane. This was an argument based on petty reasons, because supposedly she referred to the guy in a informal "you" which is "tu" in Hindi and he told her to refer to him by "aap" which is the formal way of saying "you". I couldn't believe my eyes that this was happening in only the first few moments of us landing in the country.

Despite my first negative experience, I still came in with an open mind. We had great times in Mumbai with endless hours shopping, eating, drinking fresh fruit juices,movie nights with mom, and Juhu Beach. Things were great, but I never felt free. I always had to be with family. I didn't feel comfortable even wearing shorts there or even a dress. The one time I did wear a dress, I believed I was slapped on the buttocks once or twice. I felt like I was being stared every moment I was there, especially when wearing more revealing clothing.

I thought to myself, may this is why other women aren't out at night by themselves, maybe they feel just as scared as me or even worse? I thought why on earth are there a gazillion men on the streets but not any woman? 'I thought there was a night life here, is it hidden or is it just shown on T.V.?'

I spoke to my family about these questions. They didn't really have a valid answer as per my knowledge. They just said things like "because it's late out and it’s dangerous for a woman to be out". Though I heard all these bashing viewpoints about America from my relatives, I never heard anything negative about India. It was always seemed like everyone was saying India's the best, but never actually stated logical reasons as to why. This made me really upset. Surely, there were issues here that had yet to be resolved. "If I read a book on the red light district here in India and I feel so unsafe, there has to be something missing from this puzzle!",I thought. I already knew gender discrimination was prevalent, but I knew it was being ignored. The patriarchal system and the people of the community seemed to be in denial. I decided to stop the ignorance and actually start watching the news with my grandfather every night. I couldn't let my country be put to pieces when I knew there was some grander issue in the country I was residing in as well, which was just being denied.

Through watching the news, I found out shocking and terrible statistics of Mumbai and New Delhi...the lack of security and safety a woman has..ugh the indecency! Everyday, I heard a new story about a rape case, whether it was dispute about the girl who was raped on the bus or an 8 year girl that was raped in her school bathroom...it was ridiculous! Then I thought, "why are all of these rape cases being shown only in New Delhi, is it only New Delhi that this occurs in?"

Later, I found out that Mumbai was the largest city with a red light district in all of Asia. If this was a fact, why do so many people act like it's not true? Why do so many people brag about the country as if there are no problems? Why is there this need for so much ethnocentrism? Why not admit there is a problem and actually help reduce the problem???

Why do I see so many women hiding the truth of their realities that they deal with right in their house each and everyday? Is hiding really going to help us end this violence, this gender inequality?? Is this denial going to help change this patriarchal-dominant country to become androgynous, equal society? How can we stop gender-roles if we don’t stop ourselves from conforming to them?

So I am here now, realizing more and more each day about my passion, the passion that I have tried to subside due to the lack of support I have received from many people. Many people think it is such a difficult issue to address, that there is no help saving it. I on the other hand am not okay with Domestic Violence and human trafficking. I will not sit back and watch the show. I will not ignore it. Many of us see the issues among society and wish to sit back and let others do the work. Society has confirmed to  me that bystander effect is very prevalent and that many people assume the job will be taken care of by someone else, but that is not always the case. I on the other hand cannot stand this. WE  are a community that are progressing in sO many ways, and YET Domestic Violence and Human trafficking is still such a grand issue in our communities?

If you haven’t done so already, please read the book SOLD by Patricia McCormick because this book will open your eyes. I’m sorry but this is an issue that I am NOT going to ignore and I cannot stress that enough.

Something inside me is pulling me there and one day I will be in India advocating for women’s rights and I don’t care who tries and stop me.

Thank you.

Awakening

How is it...for so long that I knew my passions, my hopes, and my dreams, I never really completely chased them? How is it that all along, the passion that I ran away from, in hopes that the deep burning desire to fulfill it will go away, actually came back to me a hundred times harder? It's like a thought you have and try to supress to make it go away, but it never actually goes away, but this time it's a life decision that you avoid trying to make, until it come's back and "bites you in the butt".

This is how I feel with psychology, art, and counseling psych. Three themes in my life that have been going around and around in circles, and making me aware of them so much to the point that I cannot understand. I have always had a deep love for art since I was a child. From knitting, to drawing, to crocheting, to arts and crafts, to etc. It's been a hobby and something I've loved to do since I was a child. But....(there's always a 'but')

But I didn't pursue that passion because all my life I was told that if I go into a field like art, I will not make any money. My family's focus was money, money, money. And although, I agree money does help you survive, but money doesn't conquer all. Love does. Passion does. Passion and love together bring more loads of happiness and drive than money can ever bring. So why didn't I pursue this passion if I knew all this?

I don't know really. Recently, I watched a video (referred by my boyfriend), about a "rat race" we're all in.  And about how all of us are trying to have this "american dream" and basically what it is making us become robots. It's telling us to be in the system of things such as going to school, getting a job, getting life insurance, having kids, and working till we retire. That is the 'system' that we all are following. Many of us don't ever tend to follow our own dreams because we are so involved with the dream of society, the dream that wasn't made from our hearts. How often do we ever follow our own dreams, passions, loves, or undying drives in life?

After watching this video I was more than ready to search more for what I really wanted to do. I hated looking for jobs and felt so overwhelmingly sad and depressed because I was out of school. I felt like I had no life. I didn't do anything really feeling productive. I felt like a ' couch potato'. My question to myself was, ' why am I looking for a job when my heart really isn't?' and 'would it really be this hard to find a job or even get myself to apply to just ONE job if I was really passionate in finding one?' The answer to me was apparent when I realized I wasn't ready to find a real life job. I was so interested in learning more about my field that I wasn't ready to become 'a rat running after it's cheese' so to speak.

So I'm at this stage now where I started researching graduate schools and figuring out my passion. Today I went to an open house for Adler University. I found a few programs that really interested me. I came into the open house with no idea how I would decide which program truly intrigued me because I had so many that caught my attention. I went to a few tables and really found out what had been a good fit for me, one that had a piece of me that I was missing from my life equation all along. One that incorporated Art and that was the Masters of Arts in Counseling Psychology: Art Therapy. It kind of touched my heart, like it felt like a rock had hit my chest when I was thinking about this program. This deep down passion that I had missed for so long. I couldn't believe my ears and eyes how there was a program that had both the things I loved in it.

I remembered how I did so well in the art classes I took in my undergraduate career and how it didn't feel like a class to me when I did art, it felt more like a hobby, a part of me that was dying of thirst and hunger, that I had not actually fed in a while. I really want to seek out this craving, this obsession for art and therapy and find a happy medium for both my fascinations.  I don't know if this the right program for me yet, but I do know that this was a great awakening for me today. I cannot wait to see what's more to come in the future.

Echo de menos España

Aunque hace un ano y poco más des de estuve en España, lo echo de menos como fue ayer que estuve allá. Cuando veo los fotos de mis amigos quienes están alla, estoy celosa porque lo está muy lejos de mi pero cerca en una manera. Nunca olvidaré el lugar de recuerdos donde yo crecí de una chica a una mujer. Parece como una poesía pero estoy seria. Para siempre, mi corazón estará en Granada. :)