Awakening

How is it...for so long that I knew my passions, my hopes, and my dreams, I never really completely chased them? How is it that all along, the passion that I ran away from, in hopes that the deep burning desire to fulfill it will go away, actually came back to me a hundred times harder? It's like a thought you have and try to supress to make it go away, but it never actually goes away, but this time it's a life decision that you avoid trying to make, until it come's back and "bites you in the butt".

This is how I feel with psychology, art, and counseling psych. Three themes in my life that have been going around and around in circles, and making me aware of them so much to the point that I cannot understand. I have always had a deep love for art since I was a child. From knitting, to drawing, to crocheting, to arts and crafts, to etc. It's been a hobby and something I've loved to do since I was a child. But....(there's always a 'but')

But I didn't pursue that passion because all my life I was told that if I go into a field like art, I will not make any money. My family's focus was money, money, money. And although, I agree money does help you survive, but money doesn't conquer all. Love does. Passion does. Passion and love together bring more loads of happiness and drive than money can ever bring. So why didn't I pursue this passion if I knew all this?

I don't know really. Recently, I watched a video (referred by my boyfriend), about a "rat race" we're all in.  And about how all of us are trying to have this "american dream" and basically what it is making us become robots. It's telling us to be in the system of things such as going to school, getting a job, getting life insurance, having kids, and working till we retire. That is the 'system' that we all are following. Many of us don't ever tend to follow our own dreams because we are so involved with the dream of society, the dream that wasn't made from our hearts. How often do we ever follow our own dreams, passions, loves, or undying drives in life?

After watching this video I was more than ready to search more for what I really wanted to do. I hated looking for jobs and felt so overwhelmingly sad and depressed because I was out of school. I felt like I had no life. I didn't do anything really feeling productive. I felt like a ' couch potato'. My question to myself was, ' why am I looking for a job when my heart really isn't?' and 'would it really be this hard to find a job or even get myself to apply to just ONE job if I was really passionate in finding one?' The answer to me was apparent when I realized I wasn't ready to find a real life job. I was so interested in learning more about my field that I wasn't ready to become 'a rat running after it's cheese' so to speak.

So I'm at this stage now where I started researching graduate schools and figuring out my passion. Today I went to an open house for Adler University. I found a few programs that really interested me. I came into the open house with no idea how I would decide which program truly intrigued me because I had so many that caught my attention. I went to a few tables and really found out what had been a good fit for me, one that had a piece of me that I was missing from my life equation all along. One that incorporated Art and that was the Masters of Arts in Counseling Psychology: Art Therapy. It kind of touched my heart, like it felt like a rock had hit my chest when I was thinking about this program. This deep down passion that I had missed for so long. I couldn't believe my ears and eyes how there was a program that had both the things I loved in it.

I remembered how I did so well in the art classes I took in my undergraduate career and how it didn't feel like a class to me when I did art, it felt more like a hobby, a part of me that was dying of thirst and hunger, that I had not actually fed in a while. I really want to seek out this craving, this obsession for art and therapy and find a happy medium for both my fascinations.  I don't know if this the right program for me yet, but I do know that this was a great awakening for me today. I cannot wait to see what's more to come in the future.

Echo de menos España

Aunque hace un ano y poco más des de estuve en España, lo echo de menos como fue ayer que estuve allá. Cuando veo los fotos de mis amigos quienes están alla, estoy celosa porque lo está muy lejos de mi pero cerca en una manera. Nunca olvidaré el lugar de recuerdos donde yo crecí de una chica a una mujer. Parece como una poesía pero estoy seria. Para siempre, mi corazón estará en Granada. :)

The life of an Indian...the life of an Indian tourist...the life of an American-Indian

(written in January 2013, posted March 2013)

Currently in a cybercafe, listening to Azhan that goes on 5 times a day here. For those of you who don't know what this is, Azhan is a Muslim call to prayer. There is a person chosen primarily to do a special prayer at the tower dome of a mosque in every city. It is for Sunni Muslims. It is a very different culture I'm getting use to over here.

The first few weeks, I was phasing culture shock I believe. It wasn't as bad as it would be if I were here alone, but it was pretty bad. I hated it here for the first week especially. Loud honking of taxis, rickshaws, and every motor vehicle they use here, even motorcycles....they all honk here for no reason it seemed, and its SUPER loud.

Also, the pollution was horrible...the gas expelled from the cars seems stronger here and since the population is so high, you really smell and take in every breath of gasoline while you're on the road to your next destination. Traffic was so bad here that I thought I was going to die a couple of times (not literally haha). In the city, the congestion of people seemed unbearable...nearly saw my life flash before my eyes a couple of times in a taxi. I'm surprised I haven't seen any motor vehicle accidents yet. People don't even ride in lanes, they just pack their cars one behind the other, like an unorganized jigsaw puzzle.

I remember once, there were 5 people all in the intersection to go 5 different ways..a motorcyclist, a rickshaw, a taxi, a couple of pedestrians and my mom and me in another taxi were all trying to move our way to the opposite side of the road...it seemed like a race...similar to Hunger games haha...like we all would fight till the end, everyone for themselves. Luckily, we made it through this traffic circle safely...it was horrifying..

Now, I'm not as tense and irritated and scared of India, as it is more peaceful to me...I have grown accustomed to the endless honking...and take each thing as it comes...nevertheless India has not once been boring...always something new I see each day..whether its a wagon being pulled by cows or a lady sleeping on the street with her baby...India is teaching me a lot. I'm thankful I got to come here again, at an older age...because there is so much here that I hardly could comprehend it at age 12...at age 22, as a young woman, I see things that are opening my eyes to a new world. Whether they bring tears to my eyes  or teach me something new...I am growing here.

This world is completely different...incomparable to any other country...slightly similar to Europe at times...but still highly incomparable.There has been things I have witnessed that are shocking to my own eyes....and probably wouldn't have chosen to see...but this is the life here...sometimes sad and sometimes happy. Those fortunate of leading happy lives are lucky. On the other hand,  it is very sad to see those leading unhappy impoverished lives. 

Dubai All the way

On my first travel journey of 2013, its crazy!! I'm in Dubai. Loving the weather. It's 70's here, their winter, our SUMMER exactly!!

I'm visiting my family, uncle, aunt, grandparents...its beautiful here. So many skyscrapers, 5-star hotels, huge-ginormous malls...I'm speechless about this place, its crazy ludicrous, insanely-awesome!!

Despite the fact that I have only slept for 14 hours after being here for two days, and coming off of a sleepless flight of 40 hours of no sleep...I'm ready for this new adventure to begin.

I cant tell you how blessed I feel to have this opportunity to see my grandparents after SO long. It's been 10 years since I last saw my grandfather...and a few years since last seeing grandma...its good to be home (it always feels like home when you're in the presence of family or people like family).

The smell of pear soap, smell of sandy desert, the smell of jasmine, the smell of delicious Indian food...all these smells remind me of my grandparents home. I love this house...so many memories from when I was a child...spending months at a time here....though I only have been here twice before, it feels like I had left a piece of me here.

The apartment buildings facing each other...the abnormal honking of cars..the smooth lifestyle...the cleaniliness of the roads...the authentic shawarma...You know that old adage about distance making you miss something so much...well I believe thats true in almost every way, but sometimes you don't realize how much you actually missed everything until its actually in front of you...how much you actually remembered of what you missed until its actually in front of you.

 I missed my grandparents and didn't realize how long its been till I saw them. I even pinched my grandmothers cheeks. I missed my grandfather and how he always is on top of things and is ready by the speck of dawn for the day...with his slacks and hair combed back...always looking so handsome.

I missed it all it seems. the baklava...the pani puri...the indian music...I dont know the feeling of being home. I guess it all comes back to being Indian. They say you are not technically "from" the country if you are not born there, but I believe regardless of that, if you feel you so strongly about your culture, despite not being born there, you are still primarily part of that culture. Indian culture is also SO strong, how can you NOT miss it? ;) Also the wide mesh between Arabian and Indian culture is so different, so intriguing, so new to me, and yet so close to home.

Where I was, Where I am, and Where I'm going

3.5 years ago...my first time at a University

I was afraid to even step foot on this campus...I researched this school my second time in community college, my first time in high school. I didn't believe I would even make it here, let alone, be given permission to come here from my parents. 4 years ago, I took the Discover Western tour here, by MYSELF. I visited the school by MYSELF. I lied to my parents that I was coming here with a friend and rode the Amtrak by MYSELF....

I hated it here for the few first years. Although I was in organizations and very involved on campus, I didn't feel like this was completely my home. I thought the town was so boring. I didn't fit in, and I didn't have true friends. And the 'true friends' I thought I had weren't who I thought they were to be. I learned quickly, this was going to be tough. But surely, I wasn't a quitter...

2 years ago...

I started to finally like it here...I would spend weekends in the Square, getting coffee...going to the Vitamin Lady Store, Bargain Box, and random shops I found in the Macomb Square. I felt lonely at first but these weekend trips made me feel comfortable being alone. I started to love the square, but I still didn't feel at home I felt like I didn't fit in with the towns people. Towards to the end of my junior year, I started meeting more new people..through my ceramics class...and through the rec center classes I was taking. I got closer with these new friends and they have stuck with me till this day. I never thought I would have friends to rely on, like backbones. I never had that before. 

3 weeks till Graduation...

December 15th is my graduation. A month ago I was crying, wanting to ball my eyes out that I was leaving from here. I don't know why but I know it's not the typical feeling that most of the graduating seniors are having right now. Most of my friends are ecstatic to leave...but me, no, no I am DEFINITEly not ready to leave. 

I LOVE this town. I love everything about it. The CAMPUS panorama itself, was what drew me to this school and till this day I love the scenery. The little cute shops in the SQUARE are my favorite. My knitting group I go to every Wednesday in the Square(Hooked on U)...I have met a few of the nicest people there. My psychology professors who I deeply admire. I really feel like they have helped me keep going day in and day out through all the strenous work we go through in the department. They have helped me with recommendations for grad school and even supported my efforts for Study Abroad. I can't tell you one thing I won't miss about this place.

I use to think this college was horrible, a shit hole actually, it was behind on everything, academics, the little "city" of Macomb was hardly a city, but recently actually JUST this semester, I learned that it's completely the opposite. Macomb...WIU...means SO much to me. I grew up here. I made mistakes...I LEARNED from them. I took RISKS...I grew up....I flew across the whole world...to ANOTHER country....by MYSELF...something I would have NEVER done before...

The old me...would never have taken a risk as big as traveling across seas, and taking weekend trips ALONE..but I DID. The old, timid Afsha would not have said "hey, today I'm going to be Treasurer or even President of an organization", but I DID. The old me wouldn't have spoke out in Take Back the Night as a survivor...but I DID. All of these points of my life have completely defined me as a different person than I was just yesterday, or just last year, or more so,  4 years ago.

They have made me who I am today...they have made me this strong, goal achieving, never-stopping, outgoing, crazy, happy, goofy, dedicated, intelligent Afsha. I'm so proud of myself...and so happy and grateful for my opportunity here.

In high school I received bad grades. Luckily, in college with the help of great mentors, I finally learned to believe in myself and got on the Deans list. I still to this day...cannot believe this is all real.

I'm graduating soon and CANNOT believe it. Is this REALLY happening? Am I, REALLY going to walk across that stage and get a BACHELORS Degree? Who would of thought...honestly. 

But here I am, still worried, stressed, trying to figure out my life after college, what I want to do after college, where I want to live. I finally took the first step though...which is ACCEPTANCE, accepting that its going to happen. I even opened up a graduate school application and started on it. I'm so nervous and anxious I wont get in, but I'm still trying and I think that's all that matters. I'm applying for jobs too, I'm getting recommendations, I'm doing all that it takes to get there, and thats all that matters...TRYING. 

A month ago, I was too scared to even apply for grad schools, saying "what if I don't get in", and then I realized, why am I putting a crutch on my own self? Why not take the advice I give to everyone else and take the risk(s). So I'm doing it....and I'm not stopping and I'm going to sit back afterwards, and let God do his magic...and I will Insha'allah, end up where I am meant to be...and that to me is a great feeling.

Wish me good luck on this crazy-wild journey!  

Coming up in the Skokie Newspaper!!!

This is pretty cool...from last year..I hope it happens again even though I was in Spain last semester! Campus - Skokie Review

Back in the States

Its been more a month since I've been back and I can't tell you how time flies! I had a rough transition when I first arrived back here, as I was missing Spain and Europe immensely. I couldn't believe I wasn't going to be back there in just a week or two of vacationing, like our usual vacation weeks we had abroad. It was unbelievable how the reverse culture shock had hit me.

I actually MISSED Spain! I missed its culture, the fashion especially, and my dear friends I made across seas  and those that live in America but in far away states. For the first few weeks at home, I stayed home mostly...went for walks to get myself out of my depressive state of being back, and tried to keep myself busy. I joined a gym, actually and started walking there (as I didn't have a car at the time) and back.

It was really hard adjusting to the life without my friends I made abroad. Life here felt completely different. I couldn't go to my best friend Drea's room every morning and say "hey sunshine! what you up to?" nor could I swing into Ashley's room and say "hey, can I borrow your blow dry brushes?". I felt so out of place...life felt so boring here! I missed being able to go outside and face a new adventure everyday. I missed smelling the bird poop in Plaza de Trinidad (sarcasm)...not really, but you know I missed those things that I was so use to there and at the time I may have seen some aspects negatively and was now seeing them more positively.

I missed passing by random stores on the way to and from my walk to school. I missed random cat calls in the streets by cute old men... "hola guapa!!". I missed seeing the icecream vendors and their "Granadina" slushies. And I especially missed TAPAS!!! All day and everyday!

But later, I came to the realization that I can either miss these things so much that I dwell on them or I can find/discover a new beautiful land right outside my window. Once I decided this, I started to notice the beauties around me...though they weren't the same...there were a lot of positives about America. I felt thankful for being back here, my second home as well as first.

So this summer I've been trying to make time for "living" my life here at home...exploring the city and the hidden wonders within it...meeting new people...studying a bit for the GRE...working at my part time job...and especially spending time with family. Summer has gone by so fast already, I'm stunned! It's sad to see it coming closer to an end but I'm enjoying every moment that I can.

And forever will I hold in my heart the memories and experiences I had in Spain...forever will the changes effect my life and my heart...and forever it will never be the same! :)

-Afsha