India, nothing but the TRUTH

So I've been contemplating a lot about this blog post. For many weeks and months I have struggled inside of myself and thought "should I really write this?" or "is this going to benefit anyone?" Then I realized  I was in fear of writing this because I didn’t want to offend people, especially those of my community that are of Indian descent. Many people have told me that I am just pointing out the negatives of the country . But reality is, if I don’t say what I saw and try to come to a solution, who will? I’m not going to try and sugar coat what I saw in India, nor am I going to be rude as well, but I will tell you the bitter truth to what the sad parts of living in an Indian community can be like.

This past January, when I visited India and it wasn't quite the experience I expected to have. It was actually really eye opening, yet brought me to deep disgust. Much of what I saw on T.V. or heard other people brag about was not the truth of India. The clothes, the shopping, the beautiful scenery was all there.

Believe it or not, my first view of India was right as we were stepping out of the plane. I actually was trying to go in with an open mind and it wasn't even like I just had a self-confirming bias of negative stereotypes I hold because I was predicting that India would be so modernized and open like my mom and recent popularity of the country had told me. But indeed, this first view of the country reconfirmed negative past thoughts. It was so minute, yet so aggravating to see. It was actually a man and woman arguing on the plane. This woman was the same woman I smiled at as I stepped foot onto the plane and she actually had given me an angry stare. I believe this woman had come with her friend on the plane and she was one of the few of the women  alongside with us that was on board to India from Dubai. I don't think she had any connection with that man, but still he was talking down to her like she was his child or actually, the way many Indian men talk to their wives. He told her "how dare you talk to me like that, do you not know how to talk to a man with respect???". And this was just moments after some conversation between them had occurred. This was right when people were trying get off the plane. This was an argument based on petty reasons, because supposedly she referred to the guy in a informal "you" which is "tu" in Hindi and he told her to refer to him by "aap" which is the formal way of saying "you". I couldn't believe my eyes that this was happening in only the first few moments of us landing in the country.

Despite my first negative experience, I still came in with an open mind. We had great times in Mumbai with endless hours shopping, eating, drinking fresh fruit juices,movie nights with mom, and Juhu Beach. Things were great, but I never felt free. I always had to be with family. I didn't feel comfortable even wearing shorts there or even a dress. The one time I did wear a dress, I believed I was slapped on the buttocks once or twice. I felt like I was being stared every moment I was there, especially when wearing more revealing clothing.

I thought to myself, may this is why other women aren't out at night by themselves, maybe they feel just as scared as me or even worse? I thought why on earth are there a gazillion men on the streets but not any woman? 'I thought there was a night life here, is it hidden or is it just shown on T.V.?'

I spoke to my family about these questions. They didn't really have a valid answer as per my knowledge. They just said things like "because it's late out and it’s dangerous for a woman to be out". Though I heard all these bashing viewpoints about America from my relatives, I never heard anything negative about India. It was always seemed like everyone was saying India's the best, but never actually stated logical reasons as to why. This made me really upset. Surely, there were issues here that had yet to be resolved. "If I read a book on the red light district here in India and I feel so unsafe, there has to be something missing from this puzzle!",I thought. I already knew gender discrimination was prevalent, but I knew it was being ignored. The patriarchal system and the people of the community seemed to be in denial. I decided to stop the ignorance and actually start watching the news with my grandfather every night. I couldn't let my country be put to pieces when I knew there was some grander issue in the country I was residing in as well, which was just being denied.

Through watching the news, I found out shocking and terrible statistics of Mumbai and New Delhi...the lack of security and safety a woman has..ugh the indecency! Everyday, I heard a new story about a rape case, whether it was dispute about the girl who was raped on the bus or an 8 year girl that was raped in her school bathroom...it was ridiculous! Then I thought, "why are all of these rape cases being shown only in New Delhi, is it only New Delhi that this occurs in?"

Later, I found out that Mumbai was the largest city with a red light district in all of Asia. If this was a fact, why do so many people act like it's not true? Why do so many people brag about the country as if there are no problems? Why is there this need for so much ethnocentrism? Why not admit there is a problem and actually help reduce the problem???

Why do I see so many women hiding the truth of their realities that they deal with right in their house each and everyday? Is hiding really going to help us end this violence, this gender inequality?? Is this denial going to help change this patriarchal-dominant country to become androgynous, equal society? How can we stop gender-roles if we don’t stop ourselves from conforming to them?

So I am here now, realizing more and more each day about my passion, the passion that I have tried to subside due to the lack of support I have received from many people. Many people think it is such a difficult issue to address, that there is no help saving it. I on the other hand am not okay with Domestic Violence and human trafficking. I will not sit back and watch the show. I will not ignore it. Many of us see the issues among society and wish to sit back and let others do the work. Society has confirmed to  me that bystander effect is very prevalent and that many people assume the job will be taken care of by someone else, but that is not always the case. I on the other hand cannot stand this. WE  are a community that are progressing in sO many ways, and YET Domestic Violence and Human trafficking is still such a grand issue in our communities?

If you haven’t done so already, please read the book SOLD by Patricia McCormick because this book will open your eyes. I’m sorry but this is an issue that I am NOT going to ignore and I cannot stress that enough.

Something inside me is pulling me there and one day I will be in India advocating for women’s rights and I don’t care who tries and stop me.

Thank you.

Awakening

How is it...for so long that I knew my passions, my hopes, and my dreams, I never really completely chased them? How is it that all along, the passion that I ran away from, in hopes that the deep burning desire to fulfill it will go away, actually came back to me a hundred times harder? It's like a thought you have and try to supress to make it go away, but it never actually goes away, but this time it's a life decision that you avoid trying to make, until it come's back and "bites you in the butt".

This is how I feel with psychology, art, and counseling psych. Three themes in my life that have been going around and around in circles, and making me aware of them so much to the point that I cannot understand. I have always had a deep love for art since I was a child. From knitting, to drawing, to crocheting, to arts and crafts, to etc. It's been a hobby and something I've loved to do since I was a child. But....(there's always a 'but')

But I didn't pursue that passion because all my life I was told that if I go into a field like art, I will not make any money. My family's focus was money, money, money. And although, I agree money does help you survive, but money doesn't conquer all. Love does. Passion does. Passion and love together bring more loads of happiness and drive than money can ever bring. So why didn't I pursue this passion if I knew all this?

I don't know really. Recently, I watched a video (referred by my boyfriend), about a "rat race" we're all in.  And about how all of us are trying to have this "american dream" and basically what it is making us become robots. It's telling us to be in the system of things such as going to school, getting a job, getting life insurance, having kids, and working till we retire. That is the 'system' that we all are following. Many of us don't ever tend to follow our own dreams because we are so involved with the dream of society, the dream that wasn't made from our hearts. How often do we ever follow our own dreams, passions, loves, or undying drives in life?

After watching this video I was more than ready to search more for what I really wanted to do. I hated looking for jobs and felt so overwhelmingly sad and depressed because I was out of school. I felt like I had no life. I didn't do anything really feeling productive. I felt like a ' couch potato'. My question to myself was, ' why am I looking for a job when my heart really isn't?' and 'would it really be this hard to find a job or even get myself to apply to just ONE job if I was really passionate in finding one?' The answer to me was apparent when I realized I wasn't ready to find a real life job. I was so interested in learning more about my field that I wasn't ready to become 'a rat running after it's cheese' so to speak.

So I'm at this stage now where I started researching graduate schools and figuring out my passion. Today I went to an open house for Adler University. I found a few programs that really interested me. I came into the open house with no idea how I would decide which program truly intrigued me because I had so many that caught my attention. I went to a few tables and really found out what had been a good fit for me, one that had a piece of me that I was missing from my life equation all along. One that incorporated Art and that was the Masters of Arts in Counseling Psychology: Art Therapy. It kind of touched my heart, like it felt like a rock had hit my chest when I was thinking about this program. This deep down passion that I had missed for so long. I couldn't believe my ears and eyes how there was a program that had both the things I loved in it.

I remembered how I did so well in the art classes I took in my undergraduate career and how it didn't feel like a class to me when I did art, it felt more like a hobby, a part of me that was dying of thirst and hunger, that I had not actually fed in a while. I really want to seek out this craving, this obsession for art and therapy and find a happy medium for both my fascinations.  I don't know if this the right program for me yet, but I do know that this was a great awakening for me today. I cannot wait to see what's more to come in the future.

Echo de menos España

Aunque hace un ano y poco más des de estuve en España, lo echo de menos como fue ayer que estuve allá. Cuando veo los fotos de mis amigos quienes están alla, estoy celosa porque lo está muy lejos de mi pero cerca en una manera. Nunca olvidaré el lugar de recuerdos donde yo crecí de una chica a una mujer. Parece como una poesía pero estoy seria. Para siempre, mi corazón estará en Granada. :)

The life of an Indian...the life of an Indian tourist...the life of an American-Indian

(written in January 2013, posted March 2013)

Currently in a cybercafe, listening to Azhan that goes on 5 times a day here. For those of you who don't know what this is, Azhan is a Muslim call to prayer. There is a person chosen primarily to do a special prayer at the tower dome of a mosque in every city. It is for Sunni Muslims. It is a very different culture I'm getting use to over here.

The first few weeks, I was phasing culture shock I believe. It wasn't as bad as it would be if I were here alone, but it was pretty bad. I hated it here for the first week especially. Loud honking of taxis, rickshaws, and every motor vehicle they use here, even motorcycles....they all honk here for no reason it seemed, and its SUPER loud.

Also, the pollution was horrible...the gas expelled from the cars seems stronger here and since the population is so high, you really smell and take in every breath of gasoline while you're on the road to your next destination. Traffic was so bad here that I thought I was going to die a couple of times (not literally haha). In the city, the congestion of people seemed unbearable...nearly saw my life flash before my eyes a couple of times in a taxi. I'm surprised I haven't seen any motor vehicle accidents yet. People don't even ride in lanes, they just pack their cars one behind the other, like an unorganized jigsaw puzzle.

I remember once, there were 5 people all in the intersection to go 5 different ways..a motorcyclist, a rickshaw, a taxi, a couple of pedestrians and my mom and me in another taxi were all trying to move our way to the opposite side of the road...it seemed like a race...similar to Hunger games haha...like we all would fight till the end, everyone for themselves. Luckily, we made it through this traffic circle safely...it was horrifying..

Now, I'm not as tense and irritated and scared of India, as it is more peaceful to me...I have grown accustomed to the endless honking...and take each thing as it comes...nevertheless India has not once been boring...always something new I see each day..whether its a wagon being pulled by cows or a lady sleeping on the street with her baby...India is teaching me a lot. I'm thankful I got to come here again, at an older age...because there is so much here that I hardly could comprehend it at age 12...at age 22, as a young woman, I see things that are opening my eyes to a new world. Whether they bring tears to my eyes  or teach me something new...I am growing here.

This world is completely different...incomparable to any other country...slightly similar to Europe at times...but still highly incomparable.There has been things I have witnessed that are shocking to my own eyes....and probably wouldn't have chosen to see...but this is the life here...sometimes sad and sometimes happy. Those fortunate of leading happy lives are lucky. On the other hand,  it is very sad to see those leading unhappy impoverished lives.